Feb 06 2010

Love Dare - Day 32

Love Meets Sexual Needs


The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. – 1 Corinthians 7:3


Some people think the Bible has nothing good to say about sex, as though all God seems concerned about is telling us when not to do it and who not `and the blessing it can be for both husband and wife.  Even its boundaries and restrictions are God’s ways of keeping our sexual experiences at a level far beyond any of those advertised on television or in the movies.


In Christian marriage, romance is meant to thrive and flourish.  After all, it was created by God.  It’s all part of celebrating what God has given, becoming one with our mate while simultaneously pursuing purity and holiness.  He delights in us when this happens.


The Song of Solomon, for example, though frequently misunderstood as nothing more than an allegory about God’s passion for His people, is actually a beautiful love story.  It describes sexual acts between a husband and wife in poetic detail, showing how each one responds to the other.  It expresses how honesty and understanding in sexual matters lead to a life of confident love together.


It’s true that sex is only one aspect of marriage.  But as time goes by, one of you will likely value its importance more highly than the other.  As a result of this, the nature of your oneness as man and wife will feel threatened and endangered.


Again, the biblical foundations of marriage were originally expressed in the creation of Adam and Eve.  She was made to be “a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18).  The unity of their relationship and physical bodies was so strong, they were said to become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).


This same oneness is a hallmark of every marriage.  In the act of romance, we join our hearts to each other an expression of love that no other form of communication can match.  That’s why “the marriage bed is to be undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4).  We are not to share this same experience with anyone else.


But we are weak.  And when this legitimate need goes unmet – when it’s treated as being selfish and demanding by the other – our hearts are subject to being drawn away from marriage, tempted to fulfill this longing somewhere else, some other way.


To counteract this tendency, God established marriage with a “one flesh” mentality.  “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (1 Corinthians 7:4).


Sex is not to be used as a bargaining chip.  It is not something God allows us to withhold without consequence.  Though there can be abuses to this divinely designed framework, the heart of marriage is one of giving ourselves to each other to meet the other’s needs.


Sex is one God-given opportunity to do that.


So “stop depriving one another,” the Bible warns, “except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of you lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:5).


You are the one person called and designated by God to meet your spouse’s sexual needs.  If you allow distance to grow between you in this area, if you allow staleness to set in, you are taking something that rightly (and exclusively) belongs to your spouse.  If you let your mate know – by words, actions, or inactions – that sex needn’t be any more than you want it to be, you rob from them a sense of honor and endearment that has been set in place by biblical mandate. You violate the “one flesh” unity of marriage.


So whether you perceive yourself as being on the deprived end, or you would admit that you are the one depriving the other, know that God’s plan for you is to meet in the middle and come to a place of agreement.  But also know that the path to getting there will not be accomplished by sulking, arguing or demanding.  Love is the only way to reestablish loving union between each other.  All the things the Love Dare entails – patience, kindness, selflessness, thoughtfulness, protection, honor, forgiveness – will play a role in renewing your sexual intimacy.  When the love of Christ is the foundation of your marriage, the strength of your friendship and sexual relationship can be enjoyed at a level this world can never know.


“You have been bought with a price,” God has declared (1 Corinthians 6:20).  He set His affections on you and went to every length to draw you into desiring Him.  Now it is your turn to pay the loving price to win the heart of your mate.  When you do, you will enjoy the pure delight that flows when sex is done for all the right reasons.  And as if that’s not enough, you will also have the opportunity to “glorify God in your body” (1 Corinthians 6:20).  How beautiful.


Today’s Dare


If at all possible, try to initiate sex with your husband or wife today.  Do this in a way that honors what your spouse has told you (or implied to you) about what they need from you sexually.  Ask God to make this enjoyable for both of you as well as a path to greater intimacy.



How beautiful and delightful you are, my love.  (Song of Solomon 7:6)


Click here to buy a copy of The Love Dare book.  

Click here for a free online journal for the full 40 day challenge.


Material taken from The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick, copyright © 2009 by B&H Publishing Group. Used by permission.  Unauthorized reproduction in any format is strictly prohibited by law.

Comments (22) -

2/6/2010 2:09:04 AM
Michael Corbin United States
Michael Corbin
i can't see my baby, i have no idea where my wife is, she won't do anything but swear and yell and hang up on me.  and she had to be sown up after delivering our baby naturally 9 days ago, even if by some miricle she wasn't activly trying to prove how much she hates me, im pretty sure that trying the love dare today would be the exact wrong thing to do. a few days ago when i got to see my Zoe Lee she was yelling and making obsene gestures and calling me names with our little baby in her arms, i was supposed to get to see Zoe for an hour, i couldn't even stay 20min, i had leave for Zoes' sake, she insists that because she ran back to her mom and is appling for housing assistance and has a pipe dream of opening a high end soup delivery buisness in a town where it is over 100 and humid about 8 months of the year, that she is being responcible and I (i am working, doing extra odd jobs and going to school full time, and no i wasn't doing this much before she left, i mostly had to keep myself busy and make more for Zoe) am somehow not, and I don't get anysay in anything, i asked her if i could see Zoe somewhere neutral, and she says that she doesn't have to do anything, and she attacks me when i come there, i have been bringing baby stuff like crazy, i don't think she has used any of it, she has a mat under a motel table where she changes Zoe, though everytime i have seen her she had a dirty diaper, her room is covered in food, her mom is trying to keep her away from me and got a family friend to do shiras post partum check-up, so that wasn't valid at all. I think I have to accept that there is no hope, she is not a christian and was raised very very antichristian home,more things she hid. I know God can do anything, but I also know He doesn't. I am following Him, but He is leading me further from her. He is answering prayers like crazy, just not in anyway with shira, the more I pray and try to show her Love, the more she attacks me.
2/6/2010 2:12:08 AM
Michael Corbin United States
Michael Corbin
Long story short, Todays dare is HORRIBLE unless both partners are doing the dare and committed to it. and how many of the people on here with cheating spouses who will throw themselves at someone for whom the act is just selfish. Very Poor Writing today.
2/6/2010 2:14:30 AM
Michael Corbin United States
Michael Corbin
Stereotypical or not, this was clearly written by a man, and there is a strong overtone of personal bias. up till n ow I respected the dares as something God was using, today seems to be more from man
2/6/2010 4:59:01 AM
No Name United States
No Name
Wow!! This really hit home today. I'll have to admit i'm the one depriving my husband, this has always been an issue for us. I'm going to pray for this area in our marriage today and going to try to make time for him.
2/6/2010 5:55:05 AM
cj United States
This is embarrassing to think of us all reading this the same day, kinda funny it landed on a Saturday night...ok, I'll move on.   This one hits deeply home.   I'm praying for women out there today, especially those who, like me, struggle with fantasies.  This lesson is one God has brought to me many times from different sources.    I long to be totally "there" with my dh and let no one else in the room, kwim?  
Can I warn everyone watch out for the trap of R rated movies and porn.   We used to watch those together, thinking it was ok b/c it got us "in the mood."   But now that I am in this war for purity and faithfulness of mind, I see all those visual memories added to the enemy's artillery.  
I'd like to ask guys to take the bible verse(s) seriously that say to keep your bride spotless.  It seems many people think only men are tempted or struggle with lust, but it's not so.   Don't assume she doesn't want to, but ask respectfully.  Do anything you can to build relationship, keep the connection that makes it personal not just physical...eye contact, sweet conversation, attentiveness.  
Please, please understand that women (I don't think it's just me) want to be loved, we just need more time for our motors to warm up!!    Ok, I'm embarrassed again so I'll go.  I hope I didn't sound like I think this issue is all the man's fault, I know better than that.  It just seems that understanding women in this area is a difficult one for guys to "get".   I feel for you others also, knowing this lesson isn't a possibility right now for everyone.   Praying!!!
2/6/2010 5:58:46 AM
booklady United States
My husband opened the car door for me last night in the rain.  I was just shocked.  He isn't doing the love dare unless he started after I did.
He asked me last night again  what I was trying to fix with the Love Dare project or if I had something to tell him in regards to our relationship.  He sees the changes but doesn't really know how to process them and what it means for us/him. I just want to improve and maintain what we have so we are not in a situation of possible divorce.

The unity of their relationship and physical bodies was so strong, they were said to become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

In regards to today's dare...I had mentioned before sex/intimacy has never been an issue. Keeping connected and in tune wih one another's lives outside the bedroom with our busy schedules is the problem.  I feel I and we have to constantly work at staying in tune with each other's lives so not lose sight of the "we" in us.

2/6/2010 5:59:45 AM
booklady United States
michael corbin~how are things going for you.   I thought about you on one of the previous dares this week.  
2/6/2010 6:00:00 AM
michael corbin~how are things going for you.   I thought about you on one of the previous dares this week.  
2/6/2010 9:46:33 AM
cj United States
I am eager to see other comments on this.  My daily devotion verse for tomorrow is Prov. 10:19's warning of sin being present in a multitude of words so I approach this with caution but urgency.  
I wanted to explain my earlier comment, and find out if this is what happens to other women.   I started bad habits a long time ago of using memories and images to help my mood.   Now, I don't want to do that anymore, I very much want to please my husband and be self-sacrificing in this.  I've shared all this with him, but we both grow slowly I guess.  
When things are rushed, for some reason I can't understand, it puts my mind in a dangerous place.  It's as if to please my dh I have to sacrifice my purity of mind and this has been one of my greatest burdens, trying to find a balance in both.  That is the reason behind my previous pleadings.  
It is not that I don't love him or want to, I do but I can't seem to manufacture those desires on my own in a pure way and he doesn't seem to understand that he can just by affection and attention outside the bedroom, earlier in the day.  That all it really takes is if I felt valued.  I hope I'm not betraying him sharing this with "strangers"/new friends.  I have shared with him.  I dont' know what else to do but leave it to God and try my best.  
2/6/2010 10:53:35 AM
free United States
where do i begin? to make it easy let me explain how my hubby was raised-you have to be skinny-plain and simple-so here i come-18 years old-was raised not to have a boyfriend until the right time-met his family for the first time-and guess what? his dad tells me i have a pretty face but i need to lose weight-you gotta eat fruits and salads-thank you for your advice-from that moment on the "advice" of being skinny was given to me at every family gathering, and visits-fast forward our wedding night-what a nightmare-spent it crying in the bathroom because he didn't acknowledge me-went on our honeymoon the same thing-we were both virgins so whats the problem?what an emotional roll coaster ride-whats wrong with me-i'm too fat-i'm not pretty enough-is he having an affair-or is he gay-i didn't have JESUS so the devil was having a field day with me-and the rules he puts on me-the lastest one is only can be initmate on his days off-WHAT?! i told him the thoughts i use to have-he felt bad-but til this day he hasn't changed-not only does he lack physically, but emontionally too-REJECTION HURTS-when we go out he notices other men looking at me and he tells me-i told him i don't want the attendtion of other men but his-he is going to read todays love dare and we are going to get to the bottom of this rejection and silly rules
2/6/2010 6:34:02 PM
Rachel United States
I have to say, I love this dare. That physical reflection of the spiritual, emotional, even volitional intimacy... nothing more revealing, nothing closer, nothing more beautiful, nothing more reflective. Serious and sacred, yet one of the most enjoyable things you can do with your mate. Smile Its such a 'daring dare' to make, because it can be kind of scary to put yourself in such a vulnerable state. But in all reality, God-honoring sex is a terribly important aspect of marriage...
2/6/2010 11:04:55 PM
David Moore United States
David Moore
I was watching a show on EWTN where Father Corapi was talking about sex and it's connection to faith.  He said one thing that stuck with me because it was so powerful.  He said "sex is the closest thing that humans have to becoming like God".  If you're like me, when I heard this, my chin was on the ground.  He went on to explain that the sex act itself is meant to create life and there is only one being that creates life and that is God.
2/7/2010 11:22:07 AM
just me United States
just me
This one was made for me...  If any of you have read my previous posts you know my problem is with lust.  My husband is disabled so the sex is pretty much out. Feeling sorry for myself and deprived I started lusting after other men, building little fantasy worlds where life was great.  What a mistake.  All I did was make myself feel guilty and sinful.  If God is taking the sex out of my marriage, then I guess He is telling me that I was holding it too highly; that I need to look to Him.  If I look at it any other way than a "testing" from God, I'm afraid I'm going to fail. I've said in the past that I was secure and strong enough to walk away from my fantasies, but reading others testimonies makes me think I'm not so strong after all.  I know I need all of God's strength in this, and not rely on my own.
2/7/2010 6:07:09 PM
I'm happy to say my dare for #32 was completed even before I read the dare of the day.  Husband and I had a LOL about that via text messaging.

CJ~I think you said it in a different way than I did about being connected outside the bedroom/intimacy. You are right and said it better than I that women have different needs before the bedroom situation ever occurs.  

((michael corbin))hugs for you man.  I'm praying for you and your little Zoe.

I really didn't think about how hard this dare would be for others in not so good situations.  I can't imagine trying to complete it if husband and I were at odds with each other and/or separated.  

2/17/2010 2:52:48 PM
Beau Ligonis United States
Beau Ligonis
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2/18/2010 10:23:51 AM
Walton Porras United States
Walton Porras
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2/18/2010 9:15:10 PM
Leonard Norseworthy United States
Leonard Norseworthy
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2/19/2010 1:33:25 AM
Leonora Janas United States
Leonora Janas
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2/19/2010 9:01:47 AM
Tess Mckearin United States
Tess Mckearin
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1/24/2011 10:32:28 AM
Winnifred Canada
Day 32 is a joke.  A total lack of sex in a marriage means there are serious relationship issues or it could mean that the couple just aren't supposed to be together.  What I am so frustrated about in respect of the church, is its naive refusal to realize the facts of life - people change and grow.  They may have been in love when they got married, but they aren't any more. And if they are praying and praying and praying for God to restore their marriage and nothing happens....then clearly, God is taking their marriage apart.  And why can't He?  He can' take us in and out of friendships, places to live, jobs.  Why do we asssume that He won't take a marriage apart?  And why can't we understand that not every marriage was in His Will?  

If people are not having any sex in a marriage and this has gone on for years...I say, get yourselves into some serious marital therapy or get out.  

Day 32 is really very fluffy and inadequate for those with a serious no-sex situation.
3/27/2011 10:06:19 PM
We are United States
We are
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4/3/2011 11:22:58 AM
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kpss kitapları
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