Jan 10 2010

Love Dare - Day 5

Day 5

Love is not rude

He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him.

—Proverbs 27:14

 

Nothing irritates others as quickly as being rude. Rudeness is unnecessarily saying or doing things that are unpleasant for another person to be around. To be rude is to act unbecoming, embarrassing, or irritating. In marriage, this could be a foul mouth, poor table manners, or a habit of making sarcastic quips. However you look at it, no one enjoys being around a rude person. Rude behavior may seem insignificant to the person doing it, but it’s unpleasant to those on the receiving end.

As always, love has something to say about this. When a man is driven by love, he intentionally behaves in a way that’s more pleasant for his wife to be around. If she desires to love him, she purposefully avoids things that frustrate him or cause him discomfort.

The bottom line is that genuine love minds its manners.

Embracing this one concept could add some fresh air to your marriage. Good manners express to your wife or husband, “I value you enough to exercise some self-control around you. I want to be a person who’s a pleasure to be with.” When you allow love to change your behavior—even in the smallest of ways—you restore an atmosphere of honor to your relationship. People who practice good etiquette tend to raise the respect level of the environment around them.

For the most part, the etiquette you use at home is much different than the kind you employ with friends, or even with total strangers. You may be barking or pouting around the house, but if the front door chimes, you open it all smiling and kind. Yet if you dare to love, you’ll also want to give your best to your own. If you don’t let love motivate you to make needed changes in your behavior, the quality of your marriage relationship will suffer for it.

Women tend to be much better at certain types of manners than men, though they can be rude in other ways. King Solomon said, “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife” (Proverbs 25:24 niv). But men especially need to learn this important lesson. The Bible says, “It is well with the man who is gracious” (Psalm 112:5). A man of discretion will find out what is appropriate, then adjust his behavior accordingly.

There are two main reasons why people are rude: ignorance and selfishness. Neither, of course, is a good thing. A child is born ignorant of etiquette, needing lots of help and training. Adults, however, display their ignorance at another level. You know the rules, but you can be blind to how you break them or be too self-centered to care. In fact, you may not realize how unpleasant you can be to live with.

 

Test yourself with these questions:

• How does your spouse feel about the way you speak and act around them?

• How does your behavior affect your mate’s sense of worth and self-esteem?

• Would your husband or wife say you’re a blessing, or that you’re condescending and embarrassing?

 

If you’re thinking that your spouse—not you—is the one who needs work in this area, you’re likely suffering from a bad case of ignorance, with a secondary condition of selfishness. Remember, love is not rude but lifts you to a higher standard.

Do you wish your spouse would quit doing the things that bother you? Then it’s time to stop doing the things that bother them. Will you be thoughtful and loving enough to discover and avoid the behavior that causes life to be unpleasant for your mate? Will you dare to be delightful?

Here are three guiding principles when it comes to practicing etiquette in your marriage:

1. Guard the Golden Rule. Treat your mate the same way you want to be treated (see Luke 6:31).

2. No double standards. Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to strangers and coworkers.

3. Honor requests. Consider what your husband or wife already asked you to do or not do. If in doubt, then ask.

 

Today’s Dare

 

Ask your spouse to tell you three
things that cause him or her to be
uncomfortable or irritated with you.
You must do so without attacking them
or justifying your behavior. This is
from their perspective only.

-----------------------------

The words from the mouth of a wise man are gracious. (Ecclesiastes 10:12)

 

Click here to buy a copy of The Love Dare book.  

Click here for a free online journal for the full 40 day challenge.

 

Material taken from The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick, copyright © 2009 by B&H Publishing Group. Used by permission.  Unauthorized reproduction in any format is strictly prohibited by law.

 

Reproduced with permission

Comments (30) -

1/10/2010 6:37:46 AM
George United States
George
This one gets me personaly. I have a habit of making comments that I think are joking, but my wife has told me hurts. This is ironic because I hate rudeness. Talk about your double standard. I think Jesus had a better word, hipocrite!
I love you Darlin.
1/10/2010 8:14:30 AM
Mike Zervanos United States
Mike Zervanos
My wife and I did the Love Dare and I truely believe it saved our marriage. We were at our last visit to our marriage counsellor in September, my wife wanted to move out and had no feelings for me in any form. On the way home I convinced her to do the Love Dare with me and to wait until we finished to make her decision. I'm very happy to say, she never moved out and we are the happiest we have been in years, still have a long way to go, but our marriage is so much better in every aspect than it ever was. I thank the Love Dare and the movie Fireproof for guiding us down the path to happiness.
1/10/2010 8:57:59 AM
Rosa United States
Rosa
Well, we're only on day 5 and every dare has come to me pretty easy.  Thank god.  I think, I am not sure but I think that my husband has joined me in this journey.  He hasn't told me wheather or not he has.  I gave him the book and he recieved it from me.  So I don't know.  I hope so.  We have been pretty happy since I started this love dare challenge.  I've become more appriciative of him.  We are still trying to work all of our kinks out.  We are going to start councling tomorrow.  So I do believe that we are on the right path to make our marriage a beautiful one.  Today we went to church together for the first time in a very long time, and it felt wonderful standing by my husband at the service. I felt like the most proudest wife in there.  I hope the best is yet to come.  
1/10/2010 9:43:17 AM
tyler United States
tyler
This has been a great experience(taking the Love Dare).  I am seeing that I have many errors in my ways.  I am trying to wrok on me in this process and in turn it seems to be doing something. My spouse is asking me who is this new person?  What is going on? Praise God for that!!
Todays dare is hard because I dont like to hear what I am doing wrong.  Who does?  Lord, let me hear with your ears and with your heart in this one....Show me the faults in my behavior and show me where I can treat my spouse better.
1/10/2010 9:48:24 AM
Tristan Kindrick United States
Tristan Kindrick
I'm taking part in the love dare, but on the sly.  My husband has no idea why I bought him an expensive gift the other day or why I've said or done the other things so far, which is great and exciting for me, and hopefully rewarding and 'blessful' for him.  But after reading today's dare it makes me wonder: are we supposed to let our spouse know about the dare?  For me, that will take away some of the fun of it all.  I like the idea of 40 days of thoughtful surprises for my husband, without him knowing why.  Anybody out there have some guidance for me?
1/10/2010 10:12:21 AM
julia United States
julia
when it comes to my husbands' side of the family i am always on the receiving end of someone saying or doing something rude or disrespectfull towards me.  this morning i asked my huband write down three things that makes you uncomfortable or irritated with me.  believe or not he only wrote one thing....reflecxing on things of the past that does not allow you to more forward to improve relationships. boy did he nail that one on the head.  i have this attitude you hurt me once shame on you, you hurt me twice shame on me.  i put up walls and distance myself from others who have done me wrong.  this kind of behavior does put tenison on our marriage, because i don't want to be in the same room with  his family.  Jesus you got work cut out for you with this stubborn, hard headed italian woman.
1/10/2010 10:28:07 AM
Judith K. Lane United States
Judith K. Lane
I just logged on to Klove and started reading theLove Dare. It is wonderful!! I am going to try to stay with it and in doing so be both a better wife and Christain too. I listen to Klove on the radio in both our vehicles. Also it is on in the bedrooms 24/7. I truly enjoy all the love and fellowship with Scott & Kelli and all the other great friends of Klove.  Keep up the good work and may God bless you all in 2010 !!! Your friend in Rogersville, Tennessee,
                          Judith K. Lane
1/10/2010 10:57:09 AM
Melissa United States
Melissa
When I asked my husband to let me know of three things that irritate him, he asked if instead he could tell me 3 things he would like me to do more of and three things he would like me to do less.  I thought it was a great idea and put me less on the defensive...
1/10/2010 11:28:14 AM
Julie Miller United States
Julie Miller
My husband and I have been married for 28 years. a year ago in November my husband entered what I call a mid life crisis. Many unresolved issues in his life pushed him in to this. (I think) He is living in another state with his brother "flipping houses" something he always has "wanted to do".They finished the first one, but instead of coming home, he has stayed to do another with his brother.God is helping me to use the Love Dare "long distance", in an attempt to love my husband home. May not happen in the 40 days, but God is planting the seeds and WILL bring him home.
1/10/2010 11:32:23 AM
julia United States
julia
when it comes to husband side of the family i am always on the receiving end of someone saying or doing something rude or disrespectfull towards me.  this morning i had my husband write three things that i do that make him uncomfortable or irritated.  believe or not he only wrote one thing....reflecxing on things of the past that does not allow you to move forward to improve relationships.  boy did he nail this on the head.  this does put alot of tension on our marriage because my attitude is you hurt me once shame on you-you hurt me twice shame on me.  i put up walls and distance myself from his family this includes not attending any of his family functions.  boy Jesus you got your work cut out for you....i am a stubborn, hard headed italian woman.
1/10/2010 11:52:02 AM
Tonica United States
Tonica
Wow! Powerful stuff! Smile
1/10/2010 12:27:09 PM
Rebecca United States
Rebecca
I have a hard time hearing criticisms from other people because no one is perfect, but I'm going to do this and just ask God to open my heart to what my husband has to say.  

I pray that all of you are doing well!!
1/10/2010 2:12:35 PM
melinda ishmael United States
melinda ishmael
me and my husband has took the dare and he was not into it and now we have the book and our friends have the movie and we can watch it when we feel the need to get better with god and our marriae.
1/10/2010 2:29:21 PM
Sophia Origer United States
Sophia Origer
I think is going to be one of the toughest yet honest dares yet.
1/10/2010 6:47:29 PM
Laura Moninski United States
Laura Moninski
I have been following the Love Dare since day 1.  I asked my husband to do it with me but he said no.  Today I tried to follow the dare 4 by asking what embarrassing or irritating thing I do that I could work on to make our relationship better.  He just laughed and said he would not answer the question.  I am really trying here and it is so hard to make our relationship better when the other partner does not help.  Any suggestions, I am getting very frustrated.  It has been this way for many years.  We will be married 30 years this year if we make it!
1/11/2010 1:42:51 AM
KimberleyCollins United States
KimberleyCollins
I"m divorced, but I am challenging my manager to do the love dare, she is doing it with heels dragging!  I may not have a job by Valentines day!
So far she has done each of them, but not being a believer, she isn't sure of what I am asking of her.  I'm looking forward to the journey over the next few days.  Thank You.   Kimberley
1/11/2010 5:20:38 AM
Todd United States
Todd
Tristan Kindrick:

Don't let him know.  The whole idea is to show him love through your actions, not telling him you are being loving by doing this.

In the movie "fireproof" you watch a husband do this "dare".  The wife didn't find out that he was doing this until she found his journal.  When she asked him what day he was on, he said "43".
1/11/2010 5:48:29 AM
Kara United States
Kara
My husband also does not know I am doing this. Yesterdays Dare was hard because I didnt know how to ask this in normal conversation. And when I DID ask him the dare he looked at me and said "haha this is a trick!" I told him that whatever he said I wouldnt be able to get defensive over, he said he wouldnt fall for that. I brought it up a few times without any luck. So I had to guess on this one.
1/11/2010 6:12:15 AM
Lynn United States
Lynn
My husband also refused to give me any feedback as it relates to the Day 4 Dare.  I will continue on, but am frustrated.  I feel like I am the only one trying to improve our marriage while he is content to lob in grenades of criticism and "you used to" phrases.  There is no real talking of issues.  I realize I can only change myself and that is what I will commit to do.  I pray that it is enough.
1/11/2010 7:11:45 AM
AB United States
AB
I decided to do this for my husband without him knowing I was.  Today is by far the hardest day for me.  At first, I could not get feedback from him.  Once I explained I wasn't looking for a fight, but I am trying to improve myself as his wife did I get an answer from him.  Of course, the answer is probably the one thing that I have no idea how to respond.  I am not welcomed by some of his family members who make it well known I am not.  In order to decrease the stress level of family functions, I have chosen to not attend.  The family members have crossed the line of harassment where I could very easily press charges but I am trying my best to take the higher road.  How do I overcome trying to be safe and meeting his needs?
1/11/2010 7:12:32 AM
Katie United States
Katie
Laura, Kara and Lynn:

I too am doing the Love Dare by myself.  Like you and many others, my husband refused to do it with me.  My husband is a Christian, goes to church, teaches a Sunday School class and reads his bible, yet, he shows no desire to work on our marriage, which sends a confusing message to me.  He is contantly on the internet and I know there are things going on there that should not be. He would rather do that or watch TV than do anything with me.  I have asked him the question for day 4 and he will not even answer me.  So, I will go on with the remaining days. I want to change myself, be a good wife, and I want my marriage to work. I KNOW that God can do miracles.  I will continue to pray for you and others and ask you pray for me as well.  
1/11/2010 7:51:56 AM
Jen United States
Jen
I did not take this 5th days love dare, instead my love and I went with his parents to photograph eagles on the river.  It was a frigid day but fun.  And there was a definite noticable difference in his attitude towards me...maybe the love dare is having some effect...

I think i already know what his responses to this days dare would be, but I am going to ask him today in an email.  

I will continue on with today's 6th love dare and hope that we continue our progress...
1/11/2010 11:15:04 AM
yeny United States
yeny
LETS not give up!!!!!
1/11/2010 11:36:10 AM
Kathy United States
Kathy
My pastor challenged me to do the Love Dare.  I unwillingly took the challenge, but find God doing His work in me.  Praise you God!!!!  I did not want to do this particular dare, but after MUCH prayer, found the courage to ask my husband to tell me what I did that made him uncomfortable or irritated.  At first he "plead the 5th."  We don't do well with this type of thing.  By God's grace, I was patient and encouraging and eventually my husband revealed his list.  In addition, he added 3 things that he LIKES about me!  God is in this.
1/12/2010 7:38:18 AM
crystal hill United States
crystal hill
my husband and i get along very well, but we had been arguing and just harboring ucky feelings (mainly me)  this particular dare ended that and it was wonderful.  he asked me to tell him 3 things and then by the time we went to bed he was on # 7 or 8 and we were laughing.  everytime i would do anything he would joke and say "that's the #? thing that you do the irritates me!"  it was very good.  
1/20/2010 12:32:42 PM
Carrie Cuellar United States
Carrie Cuellar
Wow was this one hard!  The first one I knew about and have already been working on to change. The second one I knew about but I didn't agree with, but I didn't tell him that I just took it in (uh my hubby doesn’t know I am doing the love dare by the way).  The second one about me is actually my #1 issue in reverse if that makes since.  I don't like when people "tell" me to do things their way or bark orders at me especially since I am ½ his size so most of the things he wants me to do “his way” physically I can’t!  He gets mad at how I hand him our son out of the tub but I can’t physically hand him the way he wants me too because, well my son is a chunk.. he is 6 months old and ways 20 pounds. I’ll drop him! In a perfect world I would like him to ask like can you but saying don’t do this or stop doing that…. I have a hard time handling that especially since he uses the same verbiage on the kids.  Partially I am stubborn and insecure and partially he likes to bark at me so I need to work on that area alot. The third one I was shocked, then saddened by myself and my actions.  This one hit my heart.  It is going to take me a little to get past that one today and piece together a plan of attach to stop myself from doing that.

Man this was a hard but really good day.  Very glad to have this dare today.  It really changed my way of thinking.
1/31/2010 10:15:16 PM
Candice South Africa
Candice
I am so scared to do this - for 2 reasons.  One:  Im not sure that he will perceive it in the way that it is meant to be - and he might think that I am just trying to stir a fight together.  Two:  I was challenged by the part that says - dont think your spouse is the only one who needs to change.  I pray that GOd remove the arrogance from me and that he gives me the wisdom to see where I am rude, condescending and insensitive.
2/1/2010 2:23:26 PM
Candice South Africa
Candice
This was hard.  I was very resistant and it literally took me the whole day to write to my husband. My husband often tells me that I dont listen to him, and I try really hard but I always wind up responding and things just go haywire from there.  I am scared of what he is going to say and I am scared that he is going to think that I am picking a fight.  My husband really rejects the idea of God as a loving God and I think he doesnt really trust in the concept of love.  Also, I had sent him Fireproof for his birthday without really realising what is about - and then I got curious and checked it ou myself.  From there on I decided to do the love dare.  I havent told him about it yet.  But with today's dare and the fact that the book will get to him at the same time, I am petrified that he is just going to think that it is all a game, a trick and a way to manipulate him.  He has told me before that I am trying to change him into who I want him to be through trying to get him to understand my new relationship with God.  And I know that the only way our marriage has any way of surviving is if we make God a part of our lives.  So this is hard.  I have been praying that whatever happens, even if God does not allow us to reconcile and be together that God gives me strength to face, deal with and cope with it.
11/4/2010 8:34:58 AM
Tricia Gosch United States
Tricia Gosch
I have been doing the love dare to save my marriage. I have been working on making myself become a better wife to my wonderful husband. I wasn't sure if he would respond to me when I sent him a text to ask him this question. I told him that it was important for me to know this to be a better wife to him. To my surprise he answered me within 15 minutes. These three issues that he has brought to my attention are important ones. He doesn't know I am doing the Love Dare and I don't plan on telling him. This is a journey for me to learn to not be selfish and to be thoughtful to my husband. He does know we have the book because we did get the book together at a marriage retreat but we both thought we would never need to use it and didn't take it too seriously. But eight months later I am thanking God that we have this book.
1/14/2011 12:49:55 PM
Kelly United States
Kelly
After bering married for 12 years, and a lot of rough roads already traveled. My wife got me to read Fireproof, then I found a scrape of paper that read Love Dare. So I hit the computer and did a search.
I'm on my 4th day of the Love Dare, and have been moved to make changes in my life. I will stick through this no matter what happens between
my wife and I. So truely need to become a better person for myslef.
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