Is there anything sweeter than reminiscing over your first date, your first dance, or your first kiss with your spouse? What about your first fight?
Yeah, that probably doesn’t make you smile or feel very good. Anyone who's been in a relationship for any amount of time can tell you that conflict is inevitable. Conflict can bring out the worst in people—our pride, our arrogance, our self-righteousness. We focus on how we’re right and the other person is wrong. And after the initial argument is over, we want to move on as quickly as possible.
But what if I told you the goal shouldn’t be to resolve conflict? That probably sounds pretty counterintuitive, doesn’t it?
Instead, you should focus on repairing the emotional damage caused by conflict in order to foster a deeper connection with your partner. This perspective, inspired by marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman, shifts the focus from fixing unresolvable issues to nurturing mutual understanding and care.
The Myth of Conflict Resolution
We’re often taught that conflicts must be resolved—find a solution, fix the problem, move on.
But Gottman’s research reveals a surprising truth: 70 percent of relationship conflicts are perpetual. These are issues rooted in fundamental differences, like personality or lifestyle preferences, that aren’t likely to change. For example, my wife Erin is an extrovert who thrives in social gatherings, while I’m an introvert who craves solitude. No amount of arguing will turn us into the other.
Perpetual issues stem from who we are at our core. One partner might be emotional, the other logical. One might be spontaneous, the other a planner. These differences can spark conflict, but they’re not problems to fix—they’re part of what makes each partner unique. Recognizing this can shift how we approach disagreements.
Consider another common conflict for couples: One loves having every light in the house turned on to create a warm atmosphere, while the other sees it as a waste of money. This difference in perspective isn’t something to “solve.” Trying to force a resolution often leads to frustration, as neither partner can fully change who they are. Instead of aiming for resolution, the goal should be to manage these differences with care and respect.
Another common source of conflict for many couples is when an emotional partner expresses intense feelings, and a logical partner feels overwhelmed and says, “Calm down.” This often escalates the conflict, as it dismisses the emotional partner’s experience. The logical partner isn’t wrong for wanting calm, but the attempt to control the situation stems from discomfort with emotions—a perpetual difference in their personalities.
Acknowledging these differences as unchangeable allows couples to focus on understanding rather than changing each other.
The Art of Repairing Conflict
Repairing conflict is about reconnecting after a disagreement, not erasing the issue. It starts with a humbled heart, free from pride or the need to be right. Pride often fuels conflict, leading to defensive or dismissive behavior. Humility, on the other hand, opens the door to empathy.
A repair begins with a simple request: “Can we talk about what happened?” This isn’t a demand, but an invitation to dialogue. If one partner isn’t ready, they can say so, but it’s their responsibility to reengage later. This approach respects both partners’ emotional space while keeping the door open for connection.
I’ll never forget when Erin taught me this valuable lesson and how to repair our relationship after an argument.
We had just moved to a new home that needed new furniture, and we worked together to set a budget. But over the following weeks, I would overhear her talking to friends and family about all the new items she wanted to buy. The list kept growing, and it seemed to me like the amount she was planning to spend was going to be well above what we had budgeted.
After weeks of letting my feelings of overwhelm and frustration fester, I snapped: “You promised to stick to the budget! Why are you doing this?”
Erin was so intentional in what she did next. She got up, walked directly toward me, leaned in, and put my face in her hands.
“Greg, you seem to have forgotten that you and I are on the same team, and because we’re on the same team, when we make decisions, when we spend money—we’re going to do it in a way that feels good for both of us.”
I acted emotionally, out of pride and arrogance. Erin responded with grace, connection, and love. She knew our relationship needed repair, not more conflict.
How to Build a Resilient Relationship
Repair works because it prioritizes emotional connection over being right. It’s about caring for how your partner feels, not debating their emotions. As the Bible’s shortest verse, “Jesus wept” (John 11:35), reminds us, even Jesus paused to grieve with others before solving their pain. Similarly, couples should care first and solve second—if solving is even necessary.
Repairing conflict isn’t about erasing differences, but about navigating them with love. It’s a commitment to return to each other after hard moments, to protect intimacy, and to fight for connection. By letting go of the need to resolve every issue, couples can focus on what truly matters: understanding and caring for each other’s hearts.
When conflicts arise, don’t aim to fix them. Instead, ask, “How can we repair?” This shift transforms disagreements from battles to opportunities for closeness, building a stronger, more resilient relationship.
GO DEEPER
We’ve helped over 13,000 couples in crisis since 2003, and 82% of those surveyed after an intensive said they would recommend Hope Restored. 8 in 10 stayed together.
Hope Restored Intensives are NOT cookie-cutter seminars, workshops, or marriage retreats. Our Focus Marital Therapy™ method packs nearly a year’s worth of personalized, Gospel-centered counseling into a 3-to 5-day intensive, allowing you to break patterns of conflict and identify root problems more efficiently than a weekly counseling session. Throughout this journey, 4,500 Focus on the Family Marriage Champions are committed to praying for your marriage.
Visit www.HopeRestored.com for more information.
Dr. Greg Smalley develops and oversees initiatives at Focus on the Family that prepare individuals for marriage, strengthen and nurture existing marriages, and help couples in marital crises. He is the author of 20 books, including “Reconnected: Moving from Roommates to Soulmates in Your Marriage” and “9 Lies that Will Destroy Your Marriage.” He and his wife Erin co-created “Ready to Wed,” a complete premarital curriculum for engaged couples, and the online Focus on Marriage Assessment.
