When you first get married, you likely have high expectations that you’ll be on the same page and in sync with your spouse forever. Spoiler alert: you won’t be.
As most couples learn—sometimes the hard way—healthy communication isn’t just about talking more; it’s about connecting deeper. Whether you’re newlyweds or celebrating decades together, the way you share your thoughts, feelings, and dreams can transform your relationship.
I want to share practical tips that can help you build stronger and more meaningful conversations with your spouse. They’re simple, real, and rooted in my journey with my wife Erin, with research and faith to back them up.
1. Build Your Emotional Vocabulary
Ever been asked, “How’s your day going?” and struggled to say more than “Fine”? When I first got married, Erin would ask me how I was feeling, and I’d freeze. I had emotions—plenty of them—but naming them? That was tough. I was stuck with basics like “sad,” “bad,” or “glad.” Erin, on the other hand, could describe her emotions like a poet.
So I decided to level up. I started using an “emotions wheel” Erin kept at our dinner table. During meals, we’d go around and share three feeling words—like “overwhelmed,” “hopeful,” or “disrespected.” It felt awkward at first, but flipping through a list of emotions helped me pinpoint exactly what was going on inside. Grab a feelings list, keep it handy, and practice. It’s like learning a new language—one that makes your marriage richer.
2. Give Focused Attention
Picture this: You’re trying to talk, but the TV’s blaring, kids are running wild, or your spouse’s eyes keep drifting to their phone. Sound familiar?
Distractions kill connection. Early on, Erin and I made a rule: “I know you’re listening when your phone’s out of sight.” It’s not about demanding 100% focus every time, but prioritizing each other sends a clear message: You matter.
When our kids were little, this was harder, so we’d carve out moments when distractions were minimal, like after bedtime. Ask your spouse, “How do I know you’re really listening?” Their answer might surprise you and give you a roadmap to better conversations.
3. Practice Active Listening
Here’s a wild statistic: 70 percent of communication is miscommunication. That means most of what you say to your spouse might be misunderstood. To fix this, try active listening.
When Erin talks, I’ll sometimes pause and say, “Hold up, are you saying [insert what I heard]?” It gives her a chance to clarify, like, “No, that’s not it at all!” or, “Exactly!” This simple habit, inspired by James 1:19 ("Be quick to listen, slow to speak"), cuts through assumptions.
Don’t get defensive if you mishear—your biases and triggers can cloud what’s really being said. Repeating back what you heard shows you’re trying, and it helps your spouse refine their thoughts. It’s a win-win that says, “I care enough to get this right.”
4. Make Time for Daily Check-Ins
Life’s a whirlwind—work, kids, hobbies, you name it. Without intentional effort, you and your spouse can drift apart, waking up one day feeling like strangers. To avoid this, Erin and I do a 10-minute daily check-in. This isn’t for scheduling who’s picking up the kids; it’s for exploring each other’s inner world.
We ask, “What was the high of your day? The low? Anything I need to know?” It’s a quick way to stay updated on each other’s fears, dreams, and joys.
These check-ins keep us from becoming “married roommates.” People change, and 10 minutes a day helps you rediscover who your spouse is becoming. Try it—it’s a small investment with huge returns.
5. De-Escalate Conflict Like a Pro
Conflict’s inevitable, but it doesn’t have to spiral. When things get heated, I’ve learned to de-escalate by taking responsibility for my own emotions. Instead of arguing, I’ll say, “I’m gonna pray about that and see what God shows me.” It keeps me present without getting defensive.
Other tricks? Take a breather and pray to settle your heart. Crack a light joke—Erin says this works 90% of the time for us. If it’s too intense, call a timeout and agree to reconnect later. The goal is to stay engaged, not withdraw, so you can talk through anything together.
6. Foster Appreciation
Dr. John Gottman, a marriage research legend, found that couples need 20 positive interactions for every negative one to thrive. That’s a tall order, but it’s doable with intentional appreciation. I make a point to affirm Erin’s character, like saying, “I love your integrity; it’s inspiring.” I also thank her for the little things: “Thanks for making dinner tonight.” These moments, straight out of King Solomon’s playbook, build a reservoir of goodwill.
Think of it like depositing positivity to offset the withdrawals of tough moments. Notice what’s true about your spouse’s heart, call it out, and watch how it transforms your connection. The Bible says to encourage one another daily, and Dr. Gottman’s research just proves it works.
Keep it Simple, Keep it Real
These tools aren’t rocket science, but they’ve been game-changers for us. Build your emotional vocabulary, focus up, listen actively, check in daily, de-escalate with grace, and pile on the appreciation. Your marriage isn’t perfect, and neither are you—but with a little effort, you can turn everyday chats into moments that deepen your love.
RELATED CONTENT: 8 Prayers for Stronger Marriage Communication
GO DEEPER
We’ve helped over 13,000 couples in crisis since 2003, and 82% of those surveyed after an intensive said they would recommend Hope Restored. 8 in 10 stayed together.
Hope Restored Intensives are NOT cookie-cutter seminars, workshops, or marriage retreats. Our Focus Marital Therapy™ method packs nearly a year’s worth of personalized, Gospel-centered counseling into a 3-to 5-day intensive, allowing you to break patterns of conflict and identify root problems more efficiently than a weekly counseling session. Throughout this journey, 4,500 Focus on the Family Marriage Champions are committed to praying for your marriage.
Visit www.HopeRestored.com for more information.
Dr. Greg Smalley develops and oversees initiatives at Focus on the Family that prepare individuals for marriage, strengthen and nurture existing marriages, and help couples in marital crises. He is the author of 20 books, including “Reconnected: Moving from Roommates to Soulmates in Your Marriage” and “9 Lies that Will Destroy Your Marriage.” He and his wife Erin co-created “Ready to Wed,” a complete premarital curriculum for engaged couples, and the online Focus on Marriage Assessment.
