One evening after a long day, I came home to find Erin upset because I’d forgotten to pick up groceries. I shrugged it off, saying, “It’s just groceries, I’ll grab them tomorrow.” But to Erin, my dismissal struck at the root of a deep fear: She and her requests were unimportant. Her frustration flared, and she said, “You never listen!” That struck my own fear of feeling like a failure as a husband.
Before I knew it, I was defending myself and she was raising her voice, both of us spiraling into an argument that left us exhausted and distant. It wasn’t about the groceries—it was something deeper.
Does this interaction sound familiar? Do you and your spouse find yourselves stuck in a similar reactive cycle when conflict arises?
As a family doctor leading the marriage department at Focus on the Family, I’m passionate about helping couples draw closer to God and each other. Conflict is part of every marriage, but with faith, we can transform conflict into growth, as individuals and as couples.
The Real Battle Isn’t the Topic
When Erin and I clash—whether over chores, kids, or schedules—I used to think the topic was the problem.
But Scripture reveals a deeper truth. James 4:1 asks, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” The issue isn’t on the surface—it’s something below the waterline. Satan seizes these moments to attack, as 1 Peter 5:8 warns: “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” Conflict is his chance to divide our marriages.
The Reactive Cycle: Buttons Getting Pushed
Conflict starts when a sensitive emotion, or “button,” gets triggered. For me, it’s feeling like a failure. Growing up, Satan, the father of lies, etched the lie on my heart that I am a failure, not just that I mess up. When Erin expressed frustration in our grocery argument, it hit that button, and my heart shut down. I wasn’t thinking about her—I was protecting myself from pain.
We all have buttons: feeling invisible, disrespected, or unworthy. When they’re pushed, our hearts close like a roly-poly bug curling up. Ephesians 4:26-27 cautions, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Unresolved conflict gives Satan that foothold, turning small moments into big rifts. Faith helps us guard our hearts.
That’s why Focus on the Family developed ReactiveCycle.com. It’s a free resource you can use to identify your buttons. Identifying what triggers you is the first step in being able to break the reactive cycle. It’s like letting God’s light shine into your marriage, revealing what’s driving your conflicts.
Fight or Flight: Our Human Response
When my buttons are triggered, I fight and become defensive. Erin’s a fighter, too, so our early conflicts were intense. Others might flee, withdrawing or giving the silent treatment, appearing calm but churning inside. Whether fighting or fleeing, we signal, “I’m not safe to connect with,” blocking the unity God desires.
In our grocery argument, Erin’s words hit my “failure” button, and my defensiveness pushed her “unimportant” button. We were stuck, giving Satan a foothold, until God’s truth helped us see the cycle.
Breaking the Cycle Through Faith
The reactive cycle builds walls, but faith tears them down. Through prayer and scripture, Erin and I identified our buttons—my fear of failure, her fear of being unimportant. Recognizing these lies, as 1 Peter 5:8 describes, helped us stop blaming each other and lean on God’s truth to heal.
A Faith-Filled Path Forward
Satan wants to steal your joy, but God offers a way out. Ephesians 4:26-27 urges us to resolve conflict quickly, denying the devil a foothold. For now, pray and ask God to reveal your buttons. Visit ReactiveCycle.com to understand your cycle. With faith, conflict can become a path to deeper love and trust in God and each other.
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In his role at Focus on the Family, Dr. Greg Smalley develops and oversees initiatives that prepare individuals for marriage, strengthen and nurture existing marriages, and help couples in marital crises. He is the author of 20 books, including “Reconnected: Moving from Roommates to Soulmates in Your Marriage” and “9 Lies that Will Destroy Your Marriage.” He and his wife Erin co-created “Ready to Wed,” a complete premarital curriculum for engaged couples and the online Focus on Marriage Assessment.
Smalley’s passion for marriage began as a young boy. He is the son of the late Dr. Gary Smalley, a family counselor, president and founder of the Smalley Relationship Center, and author of 40 books on marriage. Smalley regularly attended his father’s conferences and absorbed the importance of marriage. Married since 1992, Greg and his wife Erin have three daughters, Taylor, Murphy, and Annie, and one son, Garrison.
