After being married to my wonderful wife Erin for over three decades, I’ve gained some insights into effective spousal communication—and what falls flat. At times, the saying “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus” rings true for how we connect.
But it doesn’t need to stay that way. With deliberate effort and minor tweaks to how you engage in conversations, you can deepen your marriage and grow closer as a couple.
1. Know Your Goal Before You Start
Before you sit down to talk, take a moment to think: What am I hoping to achieve? Are you looking to connect, repair after a disagreement, or share feedback? Knowing your goal shapes how you approach the conversation.
Recently, Erin said, “We need to talk,” and my heart sank—I thought I was in trouble! Turns out, she just wanted to discuss a vacation with friends. Starting with, “Hey, I’d love to talk about a fun trip idea” sets a clear, positive tone and keeps your spouse from guessing what’s up.
2. Stick to One Topic at a Time
Erin’s brain is a multitasking marvel—she can juggle multiple topics like a pro. Me? Not so much.
When she hops from one subject to another, I get overwhelmed and lose focus. My brain often prefers one track at a time. So, when you’re chatting, try sticking to one topic. I’ll sometimes ask Erin, “Can we focus on this one thing?” It helps me stay engaged and really hear her heart. Pick one issue or idea, and you’ll both feel less scattered and more connected.
3. Ask Questions Without Sounding Like an Interrogator
Ever notice how a simple question like “How was work?” can make your spouse clam up? It’s not intentional, but tone or phrasing can make us defensive. Instead of, “What happened at work?” try, “What was the high and low of your day?” When Erin asks me this, I relax and open up, like sharing how a presentation went great or a meeting left me frustrated. It feels like she’s curious, not suspicious, and it sparks real conversation. (Pro tip: this can work with kids after school who have nothing but “it was a good day” to say when you ask how their day was!)
4. Understand Their Communication Style
Erin loves diving deep into emotions, while I’m more about facts and logic. That’s just how we’re wired, and it’s a beautiful part of our marriage. But it means we’ve had to learn each other’s communication styles. I can’t handle long monologues—they overwhelm me. Erin knows to give me bite-sized pieces, and I’ve learned to lean into her feelings without jumping to solutions.
Ask yourself: Does my spouse prefer quick facts or deeper emotions? Adjust your approach to fit your spouse’s style, and they’ll feel more comfortable opening up.
5. Choose the Right Setting for Deep Talks
Erin’s dream date is sitting face-to-face at a coffee shop, gazing into each other’s eyes for a heart-to-heart. I personally connect better shoulder-to-shoulder, like on a walk or during “windshield time” when we’re driving. There’s something about moving side-by-side that makes deep talks easier for me.
Ask your spouse what setting feels best for them. Maybe it’s a hike or a car ride to a quirky convenience store. Find the sweet spot, and those intimate conversations will flow more naturally.
6. Don’t Try to Fix Their Emotions
I’m usually the one accused of trying to fix Erin’s problems, but sometimes she does it to me, too! Once, I shared how a work meeting left me feeling humiliated, like I was back in grade school with my reading struggles. Erin jumped in with, “You’re amazing! You should tell your boss this!” I just wanted her to listen.
It’s easy to slip into fix-it mode, especially when you care deeply, but sometimes your spouse just needs you to say, “That sounds tough. I’m here.” Resist the urge to solve their feelings—it shows you trust them to navigate them.
7. Lean in with Empathy
When your spouse shares something heavy, the most powerful thing you can do is empathize. After Erin and I talked about her fixing my emotions, we realized we both need the same thing: to feel heard.
When I told her about that tough work day, what I really wanted was for her to say, “Man, that matters to me. Thanks for sharing.” It’s like a warm hug for the heart.
Next time your spouse opens up, try, “I hear you, and I’m with you.” It builds a safe space where they’ll want to share more.
Keep the Conversation Going
Marriage is a journey, and every chat is a chance to grow closer. Start with a clear goal, keep it focused, ask curious questions, and respect their communication style. Find settings that work for them, and above all, listen with empathy instead of fixing. You’ve got a team cheering you on at Focus on the Family and K-LOVE, ready to offer hope and truth for every season. So go spark that next conversation—it might just be the highlight of your day!
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Dr. Greg Smalley develops and oversees initiatives at Focus on the Family that prepare individuals for marriage, strengthen and nurture existing marriages, and help couples in marital crises. He is the author of 20 books, including “Reconnected: Moving from Roommates to Soulmates in Your Marriage” and “9 Lies that Will Destroy Your Marriage.” He and his wife, Erin, co-created “Ready to Wed,” a complete premarital curriculum for engaged couples and the online Focus on Marriage Assessment.
