After over three decades of marriage, four kids, and years spent counseling couples at Focus on the Family, we’ve navigated the highs of love and the lows of disconnection. Like many couples, we’ve faced a burning question: How do you keep the spark alive and grow even closer over time?
Around our 10th anniversary, buried under the weight of parenting, career moves, and ministry, we hit a wall—we loved each other deeply but felt more like roommates than soulmates. That moment ignited a journey to rediscover intimacy, teaching us that true connection thrives not in grand gestures but in a safe, God-centered space where you’re fully known and fully loved. Here are seven Scripture-rooted steps to help you and your spouse forge a deeper, more lasting bond.
1. Create a Safe Haven
Connection thrives in safety. Early on, we tried date nights and conversation starters, but they didn’t address the heart of our disconnect. True intimacy—being fully seen and known—requires vulnerability, which only happens when you both feel safe. Ephesians 4:2 urges us to, “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, [bear] with one another in love.” Ask your spouse, “What makes you feel safe with me?” For us, it was learning to avoid criticism and instead approach each other with gentleness, like saying, “Can we talk about something that’s been on my mind?” This opens hearts without judgment.
2. Listen with Your Heart
One evening after a long day, one of us poured out frustrations about work and parenting. The other’s instinct was to fix it, but what was needed was simply to listen. James 1:19 reminds us to “be quick to hear, slow to speak.” Listening without rushing to solutions shows your spouse their heart matters. Try saying, “I hear you, and I’m here,” or ask, “What do you need right now?” This simple act of presence builds a bridge to a deeper connection.
3. Share Your Inner World
Intimacy means sharing your innermost thoughts, fears, dreams, and feelings. We once met a couple who felt stuck until they started sharing one hope or worry each night. It transformed their marriage. Song of Solomon 5:16 celebrates this closeness: “His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable.” Take a risk and share something vulnerable, like, “I’m worried about work,” or, “I’m excited about this dream.” It invites your spouse to know you more deeply.
4. Pray Together Simply
Prayer is a powerful connector, but it doesn’t need to be complex. We started with short prayers, like, “God, help us with tomorrow’s challenges.” Philippians 4:6 encourages us, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Ask, “How can I pray for you today?” Even a brief prayer can knit your hearts together, inviting God into your marriage. Check out this article for eight simple prayers to pray over your spouse.
5. Pursue Shared Purpose
Serving together can ignite connection. We know another couple who started volunteering at a local food pantry. Working side by side gave them a shared mission and deepened their bond. Ecclesiastes 4:9 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.” Find a cause you both care about—maybe helping at church or supporting a charity. Serving together aligns your hearts and creates shared memories.
6. Celebrate Each Other’s Value
Words and actions that honor your spouse foster connection. For us, small gestures—like a note saying, “I’m so grateful for you,” or showing up with a coffee during a tough day—speak volumes. Proverbs 16:24 teaches, “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.” Tell your spouse, “I see your strength,” or, “I love how you care for our family.” These affirmations build a foundation of love and acceptance.
7. Keep Growing Together
Connection isn’t a destination; it’s a lifelong journey. We’ve learned to check in regularly, asking, “How are we doing?” or, “What makes you feel loved right now?” Colossians 3:14 reminds us, “And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” Stay curious about your spouse’s evolving needs and dreams. Try new things— maybe a weekly walk to talk or a shared devotional. Growth keeps your connection vibrant.
Our Journey Forward
Looking back, that moment of feeling like “married roommates” was a gift—it pushed us to seek a deeper connection. We didn’t find it in more activities or forced routines, but in creating a marriage where we feel safe to be vulnerable, known, and loved. You don’t need to be perfect; you just need to show up with open hearts. Lean into God’s grace, take one step from this list, and watch how your connection grows. Your marriage is worth the effort, and so is the intimacy you’ll build together.
Dr. Greg Smalley and Erin Smalley are key figures in Focus on the Family’s marriage ministry, where they develop and oversee initiatives to prepare individuals for marriage, strengthen existing marriages, and support couples in marital crises. Together, they co-created Ready to Wed, a comprehensive premarital curriculum for engaged couples, and the Focus on Marriage Assessment, an online tool to help couples evaluate and enhance their relationships.
Greg, the son of the late Dr. Gary Smalley, a renowned family counselor and founder of the Smalley Relationship Center, developed a passion for marriage from a young age, inspired by attending his father’s conferences. He is the author of 20 books, including “Reconnected: Moving from Roommates to Soulmates in Your Marriage” and “9 Lies that Will Destroy Your Marriage.”
Erin, a licensed professional counselor with a private practice (Smalley Marriage), has co-authored 12 books, including “Reconnected,” “Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage,” and “The Wholehearted Wife.”
Together, they present at marriage enrichment seminars, delivering insightful and practical guidance with a touch of humor to help couples build deeply satisfying marriages. Greg and Erin, married since 1992, are biological and adoptive parents to four children: Taylor, Murphy, Garrison, and Annie.
