My wife Erin and I were on an evening walk, strolling through our neighborhood as the stars began to peek out. We were catching up on the day, and I noticed her voice soften when she mentioned a tough moment. Instead of jumping to fix it, I paused and asked, “How’s that weighing on your heart?” Her eyes lit up, and we dove into a conversation about her hopes and worries that felt like rediscovering her all over again. In our three decades of marriage, I’ve learned those moments don’t happen by accident.
Psalm 139:23-24 says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” Just as God searches our hearts, I’ve learned that pursuing Erin’s heart daily keeps us anchored. Dr. Terri Orbuch’s 10-minute rule—a daily pause to connect on a deeper level—has transformed our marriage, and I’m excited to share how it can help you rediscover your spouse, rooted in faith.
The Drift of Disconnection
Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. Between raising kids, juggling careers, and managing the daily grind, it’s easy to fall into surface-level small talk or “business meetings” about who’s picking up the kids or paying the bills. Those conversations are necessary and happen naturally. But the deeper stuff about what’s stirring in Erin’s heart, her dreams, fears, or stresses? Those don’t just happen. Without intention, we can drift apart, feeling like roommates or even strangers. I’ve sat with couples in counseling who say, “I woke up one day and didn’t know who I was married to.” That’s a gut punch.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 reminds us, “Two are better than one…for if they fall, one will lift up his fellow.” To lift each other up, we need to stay connected to who we are now, not who we were when we walked down the aisle.
The Beauty of Constant Change
Here’s the real talk: Erin and I aren’t the same people we were 33 years ago. I once wrote an article called “The Four Women I’ve Been Married to, All Named Erin,” because the Erin of her 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s is a different person. And I’m not the same guy either! Our brains crave the comfort of familiarity, but if I assume I know everything about Erin, I stop asking questions. I stop pursuing her heart. Song of Solomon 2:15 warns, “Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom.” Those “little foxes,” like neglecting deep conversations, can erode intimacy.
The 10-Minute Rule: A Game-Changer
Dr. Orbuch, a researcher who studied 400 couples over 20 years, found that the healthiest marriages had one thing in common: couples spent an average of 10 minutes a day talking about their inner lives. Not bills, not schedules, but what’s going on beneath the surface. She called it the 10-minute rule—a daily pause to explore how your spouse is really doing. This resonated with me.
Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” To honor that gift, I need to pursue Erin’s heart intentionally. When I first heard about this, I asked Erin, “If I could ask you questions every day, what would feel meaningful?” She didn’t hesitate: “Ask me how I’m feeling emotionally, how things are with my friends, how I’m connecting with the kids, and what God’s teaching me lately.” Those four questions became our roadmap, and they sparked the conversations that have kept us close through the years.
Making It Personal
In communication and emotional intimacy, Erin’s quick to go deep, and I need a gentle ramp-up. So I told her, “When we’re reunited after work, just ask me about the highs and lows of my day.” That simple prompt gets me talking, and Erin follows up with questions that draw me out. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Our 10-minute pause is a soft space where we listen and learn, with no judgment, just curiosity.
The Joy of Rediscovery
There’s a line in the old Journey song “Faithfully” that I love: “I get the joy of rediscovering you.” That’s my battle cry with Erin. Every day, I want to rediscover who she is—her hopes, her worries, what God’s stirring in her. When we’re faithful with our 10-minute pause, we stay current. I know when she’s stressed about our daughter’s injury or excited about a new friend. She knows when I’m wrestling with a work challenge or feeling God’s nudge in a new direction. First Corinthians 13:4-5 reminds us, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.” This daily pause is an act of patient, kind love that builds intimacy and keeps us from drifting.
Practical Steps to Start
Ready to try the 10-minute rule? Here’s how Erin and I make it work. First, pick a time—maybe after dinner or before bed—when you can sit uninterrupted. Ask your spouse what questions would mean the most to them. For Erin, it’s those four questions about her emotions, friends, kids, and faith. For me, it’s the high and low of my day. Keep it simple, and don’t force it. Some days, you’ll talk for 10 minutes; others, it might stretch longer. The key is consistency. If you’re stuck, try prompts like, “What’s one thing on your heart today?” or, “What’s God been showing you?” Let Psalm 86:11 guide you: “Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name.” This pause unites your hearts.
A Faith-Filled Commitment
Our 33 years together have taught me that marriage thrives on intention. The 10-minute rule isn’t just a habit—it’s a way to honor God’s design for our marriage. When we drift, this pause pulls us back. When life gets hectic, it keeps us grounded. I don’t want to wake up one day and feel like Erin’s a stranger. I want to keep rediscovering her, day after day, as we grow and change. Ephesians 4:2-3 urges, “With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” That’s what our daily pause does—it builds unity, peace, and a deeper love. Try it with your spouse. Ask those heart-level questions, listen with faith, and watch how God uses 10 minutes a day to transform your marriage.
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In his role at Focus on the Family, Dr. Greg Smalley develops and oversees initiatives that prepare individuals for marriage, strengthen and nurture existing marriages, and help couples in marital crises. He is the author of 20 books, including “Reconnected: Moving from Roommates to Soulmates in Your Marriage” and “9 Lies that Will Destroy Your Marriage.” He and his wife, Erin, co-created “Ready to Wed,” a complete premarital curriculum for engaged couples and the online Focus on Marriage Assessment.
Smalley’s passion for marriage began as a young boy. He is the son of the late Dr. Gary Smalley, a family counselor, president and founder of the Smalley Relationship Center and author of 40 books on marriage. Smalley regularly attended his father’s conferences and absorbed the importance of marriage. Married since 1992, Greg and his wife Erin have three daughters, Taylor, Murphy, and Annie, and one son, Garrison.
