I’ve spent years counseling couples and walking through my own marriage, learning that a thriving, God-honoring relationship isn’t just about love and connection—it’s also about setting healthy boundaries. Early on, I thought boundaries meant building walls to control or change my wife’s behavior. When something she did upset me, I’d point it out, expecting her to adjust.
But those conversations often left us both frustrated, and I felt powerless. It wasn’t until I dug into Scripture and reflected on God’s design that I realized boundaries aren’t about control. Boundaries are meant to honor God, protect your marriage, and keep your heart open to your spouse.
The Misconception of Boundaries
I used to think a boundary was a way to stop my wife from doing something I didn’t like—almost like a rule to enforce change. But that approach led to tension. If I succeeded in changing her behavior, I’d become controlling, which isn’t righteous. God doesn’t manipulate us; He gives us free will to choose, even when we choose poorly (Deuteronomy 30:19: “I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing. Therefore choose life.”). Boundaries in marriage aren’t about controlling your spouse—they’re about taking responsibility for your own heart, keeping it open to God and, when possible, to your spouse.
Our Early Struggle
One evening, I tried addressing something my wife did that hurt me. I said, “I don’t like this, can you do it differently?” Instead of connection, I got resistance. She felt judged, and I felt ignored. It escalated until she walked away, leaving me fuming, thinking, “She doesn’t care about me or our marriage.” I felt powerless, as if she held all the control. But in prayer, God showed me I was giving away my power by expecting her to fix my feelings. I was focusing on her actions, not my responsibility to steward my heart. That moment shifted everything.
I realized a Christ-centered boundary should be rooted in love and responsibility, reflecting God’s character (Galatians 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.”).
Here are five practical steps to set boundaries that strengthen your marriage.
1. Recognize Your Responsibility
You’re the steward of your heart, not your spouse’s behavior. When my wife’s actions upset me, my instinct was to demand change. But 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 reminds us, “Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit…You are not your own, for you were bought with a price.” I’m responsible for keeping my heart open to God. If her behavior causes me to shut down, I need to act, not to control her, but to care for myself.
2. Make a Request, Not a Demand
Start with a request, knowing “no” is an acceptable response. If my wife is raising her voice, I might say, “Could you please lower your voice so I can stay engaged?” This respects her free will while expressing my need. A request isn’t a demand— demands breed resentment, but requests invite partnership. As Philippians 2:3-4 says, “In humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
3. Have a Contingency Plan
If your request isn’t honored, have a plan to protect your heart without punishing your spouse. If yelling continues, I might say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going to step away for a bit.” Maybe I'll take a walk or pray quietly. The goal is to stay connected to God, not to manipulate my wife’s behavior. Psalm 62:8 encourages us, “Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.”
4. Refocus on Compassion
When I step away, I sometimes need a moment to grumble. But that focus leads nowhere. Instead, I turn to God, asking Him to soften my heart. I pray, “Lord, help me open my heart to You.” As I reconnect with Him, I start to feel compassion for my wife, remembering she’s likely acting out of her own hurt. Colossians 3:12-13 urges, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another.” Compassion reopens my heart, making connection possible again.
5. Create Safety for Both
True boundaries create a safe space for both spouses to be vulnerable. My wife won’t feel safe to stay unless she knows she can say “no” without fear of retribution. I learned I wasn’t making our marriage safe when I chased her with demands. Now, I focus on creating an environment where we both feel free to be honest. Ephesians 4:15 says, “Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ.” Safety fosters trust, and trust builds intimacy.
Moving Forward in Faith
Setting Christ-centered boundaries transformed how I show up in my marriage. Instead of trying to change my wife, I focus on stewarding my heart, keeping it open to God and, when possible, to her. It’s about creating a space where love and freedom thrive. You don’t need to control your spouse to have a healthy marriage—you need to take responsibility for yourself and trust God with the rest.
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Robert Paul is an accomplished speaker who presents regularly at professional conferences and enrichment events both nationally and internationally. He has co-authored five books, including "The DNA of Relationships" with Drs. Gary and Greg Smalley, "9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage" with Dr. Greg Smalley, and "Finding Ever After." His most recent book, "Restoring Hope: An Integrative Approach to Marital Therapy," written with Dr. Robert Burbee and Dr. Christine Arnzen, is geared toward professional therapists, pastors, and lay counselors, and presents the Focus Marriage Model and Focus Marital Therapy approach that underlies Focus’s successful Hope Restored Marriage Intensive programs.
He is a former professor at Evangel University where he taught in both the biblical studies and psychology departments, specializing in Marriage and Family Counseling, Human Sexuality and the integration of faith into all areas of life. Paul and his wife Jenni live in Springfield, Mo., and have been married for over 40 years. They have four children and six grandchildren.
