Erin and I have been married for over three decades, and we’re always looking for ways to grow together. One of the best things we’ve learned is how to make decisions as a team in a way that feels good to both of us. It’s not always easy—especially when we’re not seeing eye to eye—but approaching decisions with what we call Heart Talk has transformed our marriage. Rooted in faith, Heart Talk is about remembering we’re on the same team, pursuing win-win solutions, and letting God guide us to unity.
The Power of Heart Talk in Decision-Making
Heart Talk is our way of making decisions together, ensuring both of us feel heard and valued. It’s not about one person winning and the other losing—because in marriage, as Jesus reminds us in Mark 3:25, a house divided cannot stand. Heart Talk is about collaborating, like teammates, to find solutions that honor both our hearts. Philippians 2:4 says, “Don’t look only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” That’s the essence of Heart Talk—finding a path where we both win, guided by faith and love.
Starting Heart Talk with a Team Mindset
Heart Talk starts with a simple truth: we’re teammates. When Erin and I face a decision, we remind each other, “We’re on the same team. Let’s find a solution that feels good to both of us.” That mindset, grounded in faith, changes everything. It’s like hitting reset on the conversation. Instead of squaring off, we approach the decision with open hearts, trusting God to guide us to unity.
Instead of jumping in with accusations, say something like, “Hey, let’s figure this out together.” The first step in Heart Talk is verbally affirming our teamwork. It relaxes us, sets a collaborative tone, and invites God’s peace into the process.
Finding the Win-Win Through Heart Talk
The next step is identifying what a “win” looks like for each of us. I ask Erin, “What would feel like a win for you in this situation?” Heart Talk isn’t about compromising where we both lose a little—it’s about brainstorming solutions that honor both our desires.
Leading with Love in Heart Talk
Some might think biblical leadership means the husband makes the final call. But I’ve learned that true leadership, as a husband, is guiding my wife through a process where we both feel valued. Heart Talk is how I lead—not by controlling but by creating space for Erin’s heart and mine to align. After over 20 years of using Heart Talk, we’ve never failed to reach a decision that works for both of us, from small choices to major life changes.
Heart Talk as a Faith-Filled Path to Unity
Heart Talk has been a cornerstone of our marriage, helping us navigate decisions with faith and teamwork. It’s not always easy, especially when tensions rise, but starting with the truth that we’re on the same team, seeking God’s guidance, and pursuing a win-win solution transforms how we work together. If you’re facing a tough decision, try Heart Talk. Remind each other you’re teammates, pray for God’s wisdom, and find a path that feels good to both of you. With faith and Heart Talk, you and your spouse can face any decision and come out stronger together.
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In his role at Focus on the Family, Dr. Greg Smalley develops and oversees initiatives that prepare individuals for marriage, strengthen and nurture existing marriages, and help couples in marital crises. He is the author of 20 books, including “Reconnected: Moving from Roommates to Soulmates in Your Marriage” and “9 Lies that Will Destroy Your Marriage.” He and his wife Erin co-created “Ready to Wed,” a complete premarital curriculum for engaged couples and the online Focus on Marriage Assessment.
Smalley’s passion for marriage began as a young boy. He is the son of the late Dr. Gary Smalley, a family counselor, president and founder of the Smalley Relationship Center and author of 40 books on marriage. Smalley regularly attended his father’s conferences and absorbed the importance of marriage. Married since 1992, Greg and his wife Erin have three daughters, Taylor, Murphy, and Annie, and one son, Garrison.
