One of the wildest conversations my wife Erin and I have ever had in our three decades of marriage was while we were on a cruise celebrating our 25th anniversary. We were lounging on the deck of the boat, the sun dipping into a fiery orange and pink horizon. It was pure magic, and we were soaking it in, chatting about life and love.
Feeling bold (and maybe a tad overconfident), I popped the question: “On a scale of zero to 10, how would you rate our marriage?” I was expecting a glowing “12, and it just keeps getting better!” After all, we were in a great season, and the cruise was the cherry on top.
But Erin? She barely paused and said, “Eh, a six or seven.” That’s a 60 or 70 percent—barely a passing grade! I was floored. Suddenly we were debating the state of our marriage—on our anniversary cruise, no less. What a rookie mistake! Pro tip: don’t ask your spouse to rate your marriage during a romantic getaway. Thankfully, we hit pause on that conflict, vowing to revisit it later. Protecting those special moments is key, and it’s something we’ve learned to guard fiercely.
When we finally unpacked that six or seven rating, it sparked one of our most meaningful conversations ever. It got me reflecting on Proverbs 27:23: “Know well the condition of your flocks, and give attention to your herds.”
This verse is a call to pay attention to what matters most—your marriage, your family, and your relationships. And what’s one of the best ways to do that? With a marriage assessment. Focus on the Family’s Focus on Marriage Assessment is a free 10-minute tool that evaluates 11 key areas of your relationship, giving you a snapshot of where things stand. But why does this matter? And what does the Bible have to say about marriage that can guide us?
Celebrate Your Strengths
A marriage assessment shines a spotlight on what you’re doing well. The Focus on Marriage Assessment highlights your top three strengths as a couple—maybe it’s your shared spiritual life, conflict management, or unwavering commitment.
Remember to cherish the joy and beauty in your relationship. Recognizing your strengths lets you say, “Wow, we’re killing it here!” and builds a foundation to keep growing.
Identify Growth Areas
Every marriage has room for improvement, and an assessment shows you where. When Erin and I took a premarital assessment, it flagged conflict management as a challenge. I brushed it off, thinking, we’ve got this. Spoiler: we didn’t. Four years in, we were one argument away from collapse. Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”
An assessment helps you honor that gift by pinpointing areas—like communication or intimacy—that need a little TLC.
Embrace Preventative Care
We get annual checkups, dental cleanings, and oil changes. Why not do the same for our marriages? Psalm 25:4-5 prays, “Make me to know Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day long.”
An annual assessment (like the one Erin and I now do) keeps you proactive, seeking God’s guidance to grow stronger together. It’s about staying intentional in areas like decision-making, time together, or spiritual connection, ensuring your marriage stays healthy.
Spark Meaningful Conversations
Research shows that taking an assessment boosts satisfaction and understanding because it prompts reflection. The questions make you pause and think, “Huh, I hadn’t considered that.” The Focus on Marriage Assessment's detailed report, complete with a communication guide, helps you discuss results safely. 1 Peter 3:7 calls husbands to “live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman.” An assessment fosters that understanding, turning data into growth-focused conversations that strengthen your bond.
Trust God’s Goodness
Ultimately, evaluating your marriage aligns you with God’s promises. Psalm 23:6 assures us, “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.” An assessment helps you trust God’s goodness as you grow closer. When Erin and I revisited her “six or seven” rating, I stopped debating and started listening. I asked, “What’s keeping us from an eight or nine?” Her insights, paired with mine, led to real growth. That conversation wasn’t easy, but it was worth it.
The Focus on Marriage Assessment is free, quick, and packed with insights to strengthen your relationship. It takes 10 minutes, and the report guides you through the next steps to grow together. Whether you’re newlyweds or hitting double digits like us, this tool, rooted in biblical wisdom, can make a difference. Check out the link to the assessment, and let God use it to help you and your spouse grow closer. Trust me—leaning into these conversations with Scripture as your guide is a game-changer.
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In his role at Focus on the Family, Dr. Greg Smalley develops and oversees initiatives that prepare individuals for marriage, strengthen and nurture existing marriages, and help couples in marital crises. He is the author of 20 books, including “Reconnected: Moving from Roommates to Soulmates in Your Marriage” and “9 Lies that Will Destroy Your Marriage.” He and his wife Erin co-created “Ready to Wed,” a complete premarital curriculum for engaged couples and the online Focus on Marriage Assessment.
Smalley’s passion for marriage began as a young boy. He is the son of the late Dr. Gary Smalley, a family counselor, president and founder of the Smalley Relationship Center, and author of 40 books on marriage. Smalley regularly attended his father’s conferences and absorbed the importance of marriage. Married since 1992, Greg and his wife Erin have three daughters, Taylor, Murphy, and Annie, and one son, Garrison.
