Erin and I have been married for over three decades, and like any couple, we’ve faced our share of disagreements. Early on, conflicts often left us frustrated, trapped in patterns that drained our energy. Over time, we’ve learned to see these moments as opportunities to strengthen our partnership. By approaching conflict as Work Talk—a collaborative, faith-rooted effort to address challenges as a team—we’ve transformed our marriage, growing closer to each other and to God.
The Power of Work Talk in Marriage
Healthy conflict is like a team-building exercise. It’s not about winning or losing but about working together to understand each other better. James 1:2 encourages us to see trials as opportunities for joy, and applying this to conflict helps us grow. Work Talk means facing challenges as partners, rolling up our sleeves, and building a stronger marriage through collaboration. It requires humility, patience, and a commitment to seeing each other as teammates, not opponents.
In our marriage, Work Talk is like a workplace collaboration. Just as colleagues tackle a project together, Erin and I address disagreements with a shared goal of strengthening our bond. This approach, grounded in faith, helps us move beyond arguments to uncover deeper needs and perspectives, making our marriage more resilient.
A Real-Life Example of Work Talk
One evening, I was home with our four kids while Erin was out with friends. The night was chaotic—spills, fights, and endless interruptions—while I tried to write for a book project. Exhausted but determined, I sat at the kitchen table to work after getting the kids to bed. When Erin came home, she saw a sink full of dirty dishes I’d forgotten and said, “What am I, the maid?” That comment hit hard. I felt unappreciated, as if my efforts—managing the kids, folding laundry—were invisible. My instinct was to snap back or shut down, but I saw this as a Work Talk opportunity.
Pausing to Shift to a Team Mindset
Instead of reacting, I paused and prayed, Lord, why am I so upset? Reflecting, I realized Erin’s comment made me feel invisible, like my efforts were overlooked. Naming that emotion—I feel invisible—helped me process the hurt. Science supports this: naming emotions shifts energy from the amygdala (fight-or-flight) to the prefrontal cortex (rational thinking). More importantly, I asked God, Is it true? Am I invisible? His truth reassured me: I see you. I know what you’ve done. Then I asked, Is Erin always like this? The answer was clear: No, she knows you well. This reflection helped me see the situation as a team challenge, not a personal attack.
Collaborating Through Open Communication
With a calmer heart, I was ready to engage Erin as a teammate. Matthew 7:3-5 reminds us to address our own perspective before pointing fingers, and this guided my approach. Erin was washing the dishes (which, ironically, made me feel worse). I said, “Hey, was the ‘maid’ comment directed at me? It felt like it.” Her response surprised me: “Oh no, not at all! I was frustrated with the kids. I told them to do the dishes so you could write.”
Suddenly, it made sense. Erin wasn’t criticizing me; she was upset with the kids’ lack of responsibility. We laughed, bonded over parenting challenges, and later teamed up to hold the kids accountable. What could have become an argument turned into a moment of connection because we approached it as Work Talk—collaborating to understand each other and address the issue as a team.
Practical Steps for Work Talk
To make conflict a team-building opportunity, we use three steps, rooted in faith:
- Awareness: Notice when you’re upset—maybe a tight chest or urge to withdraw. This signals a need to pause and approach the situation as a team.
- Attending: Reflect on your emotions and bring them to God. Ask, what am I feeling? Is this true? Naming emotions and seeking God’s truth keeps you grounded.
- Acting as a Team: With an open heart, engage your spouse as a partner. Ask questions, listen, and work together to find solutions that strengthen your bond.
These steps have transformed our marriage. We’ve created a free assessment at ReactiveCycle.com to help couples identify conflict patterns and build teamwork. It’s a practical tool for recognizing triggers and collaborating effectively.
Work Talk as the Foundation for Growth
Work Talk is the cornerstone of our marriage’s growth. Each disagreement is a chance to understand each other’s hearts and build a stronger team. Erin and I aren’t perfect—we still have challenging moments—but by leaning on faith and treating conflicts as opportunities, we’ve turned tension into connection. The next time conflict arises, pause, pray, and approach it as a team. With God’s guidance and a commitment to Work Talk, even the toughest moments can strengthen your marriage.
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In his role at Focus on the Family, Dr. Greg Smalley develops and oversees initiatives that prepare individuals for marriage, strengthen and nurture existing marriages, and help couples in marital crises. He is the author of 20 books, including “Reconnected: Moving from Roommates to Soulmates in Your Marriage” and “9 Lies that Will Destroy Your Marriage.” He and his wife Erin co-created “Ready to Wed,” a complete premarital curriculum for engaged couples and the online Focus on Marriage Assessment.
Smalley’s passion for marriage began as a young boy. He is the son of the late Dr. Gary Smalley, a family counselor, president and founder of the Smalley Relationship Center and author of 40 books on marriage. Smalley regularly attended his father’s conferences and absorbed the importance of marriage. Married since 1992, Greg and his wife Erin have three daughters, Taylor, Murphy, and Annie, and one son, Garrison.
