“HELP! I’m sending my child off to college without a fully developed prefrontal cortex…”
We get it. The law declares our 18-year olds adults, but the law wasn’t around to pick up the pieces of some of those “not exactly brilliant” choices they’ve made. (Then again, maybe it was—oops!)
Whatever your reality is, launching a child into the world ranks pretty high on the chart of major life transitions. You’re wise to ask for help.
Cru (Campus Crusade for Christ) has been active on campuses since 1951, from G.I. Bill students through today’s Gen Zs. We’ve learned some things about what helps your kids transition well—and what doesn’t.
- Google your child's college website to see what Christian ministries are on campus, along with nearby churches.
- Think back on your 18-year old self. Maybe even pull out your own high school graduation picture. What were your hopes and dreams, your questions and fears at that age? How well did your parents support you as you left home? Did your mom chat up your new roommate a little too much, or did your dad overload you with useless advice? Such reflections can help us better empathize with our kids at this pivotal time.
- Watch out for signs of transference. On the flip side, without even realizing it, watching our kids navigate these life passages sometimes surfaces our own “undealt with” junk, disappointments, unrealized dreams, and the like. These wounds that seem to come out of nowhere can suddenly take center stage, just at the wrong time. Capture these revelations, recognizing them as gifts from God, for your own growth, and ask God for His help to begin to process what has surfaced—just keep your journey distinct from that of your child.
- Find out what resources your church offers for kids in transition to college. There may be opportunities for you to start new traditions in your congregation. How about collecting prayer requests from those leaving home and matching them with those who will commit to pray? This could lead to significant mentoring relationships: one student made sure to meet with his mentor whenever he was home on break—and his mentor was an 80+ year old woman! And what student wouldn't welcome a care package? We know of a church who sends homemade cookies to their collegians two or three times throughout the year. And on Valentine’s Day, the church sends extra goodies, encouraging the students to share with their dorm mates, sparking some significant faith conversations.
- Who are the caring adults in your child’s life? Chap Clark, in his book Hurt, testifies to the difference it makes when five adults (other than parents) show constructive, significant interest in a young adult’s life. Music teacher, relative, neighbor, church leader, employer, coach, teacher…identify the adults who care for your child, let them know how grateful you are for the role they’ve played, and ask them to not stop now, whether it’s texting a silly joke, liking their Instagram posts, live streaming some of their campus events, or swapping prayer requests—whatever makes sense and shows care.
- Get alone with God and ask Him to help you see blind spots in parenting that block your relationship with your child—things like failing to listen or see things from their point of view, too much control, idolizing them or living vicariously through them. Then, ask God for the grace to express these things appropriately and ask forgiveness. One mom realized she’d shut her son down whenever he brought up getting a tattoo. God nudged her to apologize and ask if he would be willing to tell her more about the tattoo idea while she listened quietly without judgment. He did—and so did she—and to her great joy, his reticence toward her disappeared, and a fun, trusting relationship sprang up. Too many young adults come to college determined to act out, as a way to get back at overly rigid parents.
- Pro-actively arrange for some self-care after the drop-off, especially if this is your first to leave the nest. Things like one less plate at the table, a room that stays clean…even re-calibrating your grocery list so your fridge doesn’t fill up with gallons of milk (yep, true story) can cause your eyes to well up with tears. It’s helpful to grieve with others in the same boat, supporting one another as you mark the end of this life phase. (A word of caution: be sensitive to some who, due to escalating tensions between the one leaving and others in the household, are looking forward to the break.)
- Suggest your student download a Christian radio app so they can have positive and encouraging Christian music wherever they go. Whether they’re studying in the courtyard or walking between classes, they’ll always have a chance to be encouraged throughout their day.
- Check out Cru’s College Bound website with resources for parents, youth pastors, and your rising college freshman, including the opportunity for them to connect with an upperclassman at participating universities. You can start now by texting COLLEGEBOUND to 555888.
Where did the time go? Not that long ago you were researching cribs and car seats—a mother bear intent on keeping her baby safe. Now you’re checking out extra-long twin sheets, a mini-fridge...and our spiritual checklist—doing what you can to ensure a safe landing for your launched child, trusting God's guidance for this new season. Well done!
About Cru: For nearly 70 years, Cru has offered spiritual guidance by developing communities, opportunities and creative resources. At the same time, they have stayed committed to the centrality of the cross, the truth of the Bible, the power of God and the global scope of the mission of Jesus.
