One time, a couple with a blended family shared with me that their kids were arguing and showing disrespect to each other and to them. One of the kids actually said, “I didn’t choose you, that was my mom’s decision. I was forced into all this, so I don’t care what you want!” The struggle was wearing on this couple's relationship and mental health. They began to question whether they should have even gotten married and whether their new blended family would be able to go the distance.
We discussed the need to look at the long game and prioritize patiently building relationships with each of the kids. We went over several tried-and-true strategies for building the stepparent/stepchild relationship, including how to make space for all the emotions, hurts, perceptions, personality differences, and mistrust. Blending a family is not easy and requires intentionality and steadfastness!
Below are a few practical ways to begin building relationships within the complexity of stepfamily dynamics:
Carve out undistracted side-to-side time doing activities with one child at a time. These activities should be hobbies they enjoy—hikes, walks, bike rides, or other activities. Even riding in the car together can provide an opportunity for some conversation without the intensity of direct eye contact. The goal is to slowly build trust and connection.
Show steadfast friendliness, kindness, and compassion as your stepchildren display wide swings of emotion. Just because their emotions go off the rails does not mean yours need to follow. Your steadiness helps build the consistent and dependable foundation of trust your relationship will need in the days ahead.
Establish fun family rhythms together. Structure and predictability provide a sense of stability. Your stepchildren don’t know what to do with the new arrangement, and they did not choose you. Their mom or dad chose a new spouse that they're now supposed to connect with and love, and they may still be catching up from the whirlwind of new circumstances this created. It's not easy, but family rhythms do provide an opportunity for new memories, connection, and stability.
Let the biological parent initially offer correction and guidance. You can help support the biological parent by taking interest in what his or her children are doing. Let your spouse know if one of their children is making poor decisions and encourage them to do the same for you. Most importantly, once you are made aware of unfortunate behavior from one of your children, as the biological parent, respond and correct. Be sure not to throw the stepparent under the bus on this one. Take the information as an anonymous tip.
Cook and clean as a family. You can have one of the children pick music while you work together to tackle the messy house or as you serve one another by cooking. Have the kids help pick recipes and come up with new ideas for conquering the home responsibilities. This works best with younger children, but can work with older kids too, depending on the family dynamics.
Have a regular family meeting—with dessert! This could be the one night of the week you have dessert, so let the kids take turns choosing the treat. The idea of the family meeting is to talk about what's going well for the family and what's not going well. Talk about what's needed to make things better in the home and write down the answers in a family meeting notebook to show the importance of their comments. Allow this to be a time to safely share frustrations and to solve problems as a family. Defensiveness will not be helpful here. Try to listen for the unspoken words or emotions rather than getting stuck on the potentially emotionally laden spoken words. If a child is disengaged, don’t force it; give them some space. They are most likely trying to gain some level of control.
Show consistency, follow-through, and healthiness in your own life. Regardless of what the kids are doing, if you show that you manage yourself well, your stepkids will eventually be more likely to follow your lead.
Great relationships in stepparenting begin with how you manage your own spiritual, emotional, mental, relational, and physical health. Start with your spiritual health by pursuing God with all your heart, as we are encouraged to do in Jeremiah 29:12-14, Deuteronomy 6:5-7, and John 7:37-38. Then, through this vibrant relationship with Christ, you will gain wisdom and guidance and will be more likely to bring the life-giving fruit of the Spirit to your family. Prayer helps as well, so be committed to starting your day by pausing to ask for wisdom and to show up with patience as you slowly build relationships with your stepkids.
To take care of your emotional and mental health, be sure to have a mentor, counselor, pastor, or friend that you can travel this challenging journey with. They can listen to some of your raw emotions and provide some reflective listening as you show steadfast love to your spouse and stepchildren.
Relational health cannot be overlooked. The relationship with your stepchildren may be rocky at first, so intentionally invest in other solid relationships. Take time to be with your friends, soak up time with relatives, and be sure to make regular date nights a priority. Get your tank filled through relationships with people in your life who love you well, so you will be better able to pour out that love on your stepkids as you build the connection with them.
Don’t neglect your physical health during this process, either. The task of developing a relational bond with new family members is taxing, so ensure that you exercise, sleep well, and take time for self-care when needed.
As you embark on the journey of developing fruitful and lasting relationships with the stepchildren in your life, keep these practical tools in mind. The process may not be easy, but the resulting bonds that strengthen your blended family will be worth it.
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Dr. Danny Huerta is a bilingual psychologist and licensed clinical social worker who oversees Focus on the Family’s parenting initiatives. For many years, he has provided families with practical, biblical, and research-based parenting advice on topics such as media discernment, discipline, communication, mental health, conflict resolution, and healthy sexuality. He is passionate about coming alongside parents as they raise contributors instead of consumers in a culture desperately in need of God’s kingdom.
Dr. Huerta has served families through private practice and at the ministry for more than 15 years and is the author of the book 7 Traits of Effective Parenting.
