You may have attended a wedding with a unity candle ritual—two flames joining to light one, then snuffing out the individual ones. This paints a very misleading picture.
It suggests you must extinguish your God-given individuality to become one in marriage. That symbolism stings. My spouse and I aren’t fragments merging into a single whole. Biblical oneness is about uniting our hearts in a shared, faith-fueled purpose, not erasing who we are.
This longing for oneness resonated deeply among friends, church members, and in my own heart as my spouse and I started our lives together. The Bible calls us to this unity (Genesis 2:24), yet the unity candle’s message can distort it, making oneness feel like a sacrifice of self, both elusive and intimidating. Through our journey and God’s Word, I’ve discovered that true oneness doesn’t demand sameness. It’s about partnering in a divine mission.
Early in our marriage, I fell for the myth that oneness meant identical thoughts, feelings, and actions. I’ve seen couples chase this ideal, only to feel defeated when their differences remain. Those differences aren’t failures—they’re God’s intentional design. Our unique strengths make our partnership vibrant. Yet symbols like the unity candle, even in church weddings, perpetuate a false narrative that oneness requires losing your distinct identity.
So, how do we live out this biblical oneness in a practical, faith-filled way? Here are five steps to help you and your spouse build a deeper, God-honoring connection.
1. Celebrate Your Unique Design
Oneness doesn’t mean becoming identical. God created you and your spouse with distinct gifts, passions, and quirks (Psalm 139:14). Early on, I thought my spouse should “complete” me, like that iconic Jerry Maguire line. But that’s a cultural lie. Only Christ makes us whole (Colossians 2:10). I’m called to be a complete, responsible person in Christ, bringing my best self to our marriage. My spouse is my partner and best friend, not my missing piece. Embrace your differences—they are God’s way of making your team stronger.
2. Own Your Heart’s Care
In our first year of marriage, I caught myself expecting my wife to manage my emotional needs, like it was her job to keep me happy. That’s not healthy. Ephesians 4:15 calls us to grow into maturity in Christ. Becoming one starts with taking responsibility for your own spiritual, emotional, and mental health. I nurture my heart through prayer and Scripture, then share it with my wife. This frees us to love out of choice, not need, creating a stronger bond.
3. Align in Shared Purpose
Biblical oneness is about uniting in spirit and goal—living for God’s glory together. Philippians 2:2 urges us to be “of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord.” For us, this looks like praying together or serving at church. Ask your spouse, “How can we grow closer to God as a team?” Maybe it’s reading a devotional or volunteering together. A shared mission ties your hearts in purpose.
4. Build a Safe Haven
Oneness thrives when you both feel safe to be vulnerable. I’ve learned that when my wife shares a worry, my job isn’t to fix it but to listen and say, “I’m here.” Ephesians 4:2 calls us to bear with one another in love, with gentleness and patience. Create a space where fears, dreams, and doubts can be shared without judgment. Ask, “What makes you feel safe with me?” That openness paves the way for deeper connection.
5. Grow Together Always
Becoming one is a journey, not a finish line. Colossians 3:14 says love binds everything in perfect harmony. We check in often: “What makes you feel loved today?” Small steps—like a walk to talk or a shared prayer—keep our connection alive. Stay curious about your spouse’s heart, and let God guide your growth. Try something new together, like a Bible study or a service project, to keep your bond fresh.
The Path Ahead
Oneness isn’t about merging into one person but uniting as two whole individuals, chasing God’s purpose together. You don’t blow out individual candles; you have to let them shine, nurturing the relationship as a team. You don’t need perfection; just show up with faith and intention. Pick one step today—a prayer, a kind word, a shared goal—and let God weave your hearts closer. Your marriage is worth it, and so is the oneness you’ll forge in Him.
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Robert Paul is an accomplished speaker who presents regularly at professional conferences and enrichment events both nationally and internationally. He has co-authored five books, including "The DNA of Relationships" with Drs. Gary and Greg Smalley, "9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage" with Dr. Greg Smalley, and "Finding Ever After." His most recent book, "Restoring Hope: An Integrative Approach to Marital Therapy," written with Dr. Robert Burbee and Dr. Christine Arnzen, is geared toward professional therapists, pastors, and lay counselors, and presents the Focus Marriage Model and Focus Marital Therapy approach that underlies Focus’s successful Hope Restored Marriage Intensive programs.
He is a former professor at Evangel University where he taught in both the biblical studies and psychology departments, specializing in Marriage and Family Counseling, Human Sexuality and the integration of faith into all areas of life. Paul and his wife Jenni live in Springfield, Mo., and have been married for over 40 years. They have four children and six grandchildren.
