Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls. – James 1:19-21 NLT
Soon after getting married, my wife and I would always hear something to the effect of, “Oh, just you wait until after the first year. You’re just in the honeymoon stage now. After that’s over, it gets harder.”
The problem? The first year of our marriage was one of the worst. Arguments. Shutting down. Confusion. Frustration. Every day felt like a battle—but not one we were fighting together.
These problems weren’t because there was a lack of love. The problems, at their core, were because there was a lack of healthy communication (and similarly, a lack of know-how when it came to even communicating in a way the other could receive).
The Heart of Communication
Communication is at the center of our ability to relate to others. It’s how we share what’s on our mind, show how we’re feeling, and present ourselves to the world. Within our marriage, having a well-rounded view of communication helps a couple grow stronger, anticipate problems, and navigate difficulties after a breakdown occurs.
But what if the very breakdown we’re looking to fix is a breakdown of communication?
A Biblical Lesson on Responding
Once a breakdown happens, it’s easy to respond instinctually—subconciously drawing from past experiences, using our personally preferred styles of communicating, or basing our next move on our emotions.
But a strong, biblical foundation is the best place to start. Experiences differ, personalities clash, and emotions can be fickle, but the Word of God is constant and steady. It is eternally true and written through the inspiration of the perfect Spirit Who is leading us into all truth.
In James 1, we find a great highlight of communication tips to keep in mind when facing a communication breakdown: Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry (19b NLT).
Having a Response Plan
Because every person has a different style of communication, warning signs, and tendencies to shut down at certain triggers, it’s important to have a mapped-out response plan for a communication breakdown. When planning, ask yourself some of the following questions:
- What is my partner’s preferred communication style?
- What is my preferred communication style?
- How do they conflict? What steps can we take to meet in the middle?
- What is something I want to ask of my partner when there’s a breakdown?
- Who do we ask if we need to involve someone else to meditate (for more extreme cases of communication breakdowns)?
Both spouses will need to adjust for the mutual benefit of the marriage, but having a response plan ensures that everyone can work toward rebuilding healthy communication with the same agreed-upon expectations.
