Looking back on our season of engagement, there’s a lot my wife and I wish we had been told (as well as a lot we wish we hadn’t been told) before we tied the knot. While we went down the normal avenues of talking with married friends, getting pre-marital counseling, and reading as many marriage books as we could, there was a component missing from it all.
Some couples gladly shared tips that worked for them over the years, while others cautioned with horror stories of their newlywed days. What we hadn’t been taught to do was apply the lessons to our specific relationship with all of its quirks and idiosyncrasies.
The tips that worked for one couple didn’t seem to translate directly to our strengths. The warnings about pitfalls didn’t seem to pertain to our shortcomings and blindspots. What we realized is this: most couples offer pre-marital advice through the lens of “here’s what we would have done differently” rather than “here’s how you should navigate your unique relationship.”
Build Modular Frameworks
Because every couple is the joint effort of two unique individuals, each marriage requires a personalized plan. However, through generations of shared wisdom and experiences, this plan can be assembled using building blocks that have been established over time.
Finding these building blocks comes from a combination of guidance from mentors; knowledge found in resources like books, classes, and guides; and—most foundationally—the Bible. For every author, speaker, or seasoned couple, there will be a plethora of thoughts, opinions, tips, and tricks handed down to married couples.
Using the above sources, identify a set of 8-10 prevalent topics that a majority of people say are central to growing a healthy marriage (e.g., biblical roles, communication, finances, parenting, boundaries, careers, individual and shared dreams). Once identified, it’s important to not only hear anecdotal experience about how others handled them, it’s critical to build a framework for how you and your future spouse are going to navigate each topic.
For example, one of the identified topics may handle the subject of communication—what happens when we argue, how to talk through major decisions, where do we go when we feel like we’re speaking different languages? Rather than trying to replicate what another married couple has done in the past, dig a bit deeper and ask what dynamics were present in healthy communication? What kind of questions should I be asking my spouse when it seems like they don’t want to share?
When you have these types of frameworks built out, you’re able to overlay them onto your specific marital dynamics—and all of this starts by understanding what makes you, you.
Be Honest About Yourself and Your Spouse
You’re (hopefully) marrying your spouse because you love them—the way they look at you from across a crowded room, the small ways they show their affection in your love languages, the way they know your fears and do what they can do put your anxieties at ease.
Yet alongside all of the good, there are areas in each of our lives that need refining. Shortcomings or weaknesses that can’t go unnoticed if we’re going to have a strong marriage. During the pre-marital season, you can’t shy away from this.
Create designated times to talk through both.
What do you love most about your significant other? What are their strengths? Where do they shine where you don’t?
But also…
What are their blind spots? What temptations are they prone to entertain? Where do they struggle that I don’t so I can come alongside them intentionally in those areas?
What Makes Your Relationship Different from Others?
This isn’t a chance to air our dirty laundry and list out our grievances. This is a chance to holistically look at yourself and the one you love for the mutually shared benefits. To know what makes your relationship different from every other relationship out there. While there may be crossovers, there has never been a marriage exactly like yours, and there never will be. Knowing the highs and the lows allow you to begin mapping your frameworks into a solidified game plan.
For example, if you know that one of you is a great verbal communicator and one is a processor, add margin into harder conversations that allow both partners to think before sharing. Establish a guide for conversations—no cutting the other off, no dismissing feelings, etc.
Because the couple that has two confident speakers who jump right into a heavy talk will never fully relate to the couple that needs to slow down before engaging in those more complex (read: difficult) conversations.
Get Excited
Amidst all the advice and pointers you’re going to hear during the engagement season, at the heart of this time is excitement. You may be jumping into a world of unknowns, but through purposeful preparation, you’ll find yourself equipped for the beauty of what lies ahead. Marriage may be messy at times, but with God at the center, it is a powerful image of the Gospel.
