My mom has a handwritten list from the mid-80s of all the qualities she was looking for in her future husband—from the broadest (“someone who can be a spiritual leader") to the most specific (“not too tall! I’m only 5’2”). While I’m sure not everything on her list was a deal breaker, she certainly knew exactly what she wanted from her life partner. When we were growing up, she’d tell my sisters and me how important it is to know what we want in a husband, and to pray and ask God to bring us someone with those traits.
Knowing what you want and what you’re looking for in a romantic relationship may take time to figure out—and that’s okay! Being intentional and prayerful at the beginning of the journey will save you lots of heartache down the road.
There are qualities and lifestyles that immediately make someone an unsuitable partner; there are qualities that you may be looking for that may be a deal breaker for someone else. But there are several things that, as a follower of Christ, should be non-negotiable.
Here are five core green flags that all prospective partners should have:
They have a personal relationship with God. A godly partner should not rely on others to feed them spiritually, but should be actively pursuing a personal relationship with Christ. This includes regular rhythms of personal prayer, Bible reading, church attendance, and participation in Christian community (John 17:3).
They treat everyone (including you!) with kindness and respect. Watch how they treat other people. Are they patient, understanding, supportive, and kind to everyone, no matter the circumstance? Do they act the same when you’re around other people as they do when it’s just the two of you? (Colossians 3:12-13).
They’re honest and trustworthy. Your partner should be able to openly share with you how they feel, what they want, how they’re doing, what’s hurting them, what they love, and their interests. You should also feel safe to share the same with them, trusting that they won’t judge you and will hold everything you tell them in confidence (Proverbs 11:3).
They can accept correction without getting defensive. A godly partner should regularly seek wise counsel from close friends, family members, mentors, or other spiritual leaders. They should desire accountability and be willing to receive and act on correction when needed (Proverbs 12:15).
They have dreams and goals for the future. They don’t necessarily have to have all the same dreams as you (although shared dreams as a couple are important!), but a good partner thinks about, plans, and prepares for the future. They should be pursuing things that matter to them and that build God’s Kingdom (Proverbs 21:5).
Beyond these things, the attributes you desire in a partner will be unique to you! Don’t immediately write someone off for surface-level qualities or things they have no power to change; get to know who they are on a deeper level and then decide whether you’re compatible. Be prayerful and use discernment as you’re dating, always keeping God at the center.
