Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. – Ephesians 4:31-32 NLT
Nobody hopes for conflict in their family. And try as we might to avoid it, the truth is it’s going to come at some point. Whether it’s a small tiff that is sure to blow over in a few days or a foundation-cracking problem that could take years to heal, we know that we worship the God of peace, who extends that same peace to us.
If we humble ourselves to His ways, He can lead our families down the path of reconciliation.
The Unity of the Spirit
If we are to make our way through conflict with grace and humility, we must depend on the Spirit of God to move. What does it look like for the Spirit to move in the midst of family conflict?
First, He must move in us—softening our hearts as we see others with the compassionate eyes of Christ. He must be invited in to realign our hearts with God’s loving heart (Psalm 37:4), rewire our minds to think as Kingdom citizens in glad submission to their King (Romans 12:2), and empower us to take the necessary steps toward being peacemakers (Ephesians 4:3).
We must begin here if we are to be of any help in resolving conflict with others (c.f. Matthew 7:3-5).
Second, we must ask the Spirit to work through us. We must find the razor thin line between humbling ourselves while simultaneously finding boldness in the Spirit. To empty ourselves of the flesh, but not for the sake of remaining empty (and oftentimes apathetic). In the space created, we must be filled with an unquenchable passion to live in the Spirit.
The Fear of Failure
As with all conflicts, the end result is never known beforehand. Sometimes that can cause us to step away from looking for a solution—presuming it’s easier to ignore it rather than enter into the process of healing it.
But the Lord holds the final say, and our plans have to be set aside as we make ourselves receptive to what God wants to do in our family—and that only happens when the Spirit is the one leading us.
One-Sided Investments
You only have the ability to control your actions and reactions during conflict. You could work through every step of the process, but if the other(s) involved in the problem doesn’t want to seek reconciliation, it can leave you feeling defeated and deflated—and in some circumstances, frustrated.
But don’t let these feelings stop you from the healing that God wants to offer you. Although you can—and should—still pray for reconciliation, still keep the door open if and when the other family member(s) are ready to work at it again, and still show the unconditional love of Christ, that doesn’t mean the restorative process is over for you and your soul.
Forgiving, Not Forgetting
Maybe you’ve been taught that someone needs to express remorse and apologize before you can extend forgiveness. But viewed through a biblical perspective, the idea of forgiveness is a little more nuanced than that, and taking the time to understand exactly how might be the difference between facing ongoing hurt or experiencing deep healing.
Forgiveness, at a foundational level, is the release of anger, bitterness, and hatred. It is to know someone has wronged you and choose not to retaliate. To know someone is in the wrong and yet still show them love.
This, however, does not contradict boundaries (which will be explored next in Chapter 5), nor does it mean that you have to forget the hurt caused toward you for the sake of protecting yourself from future pain.
Consequences are a natural part of sin, and we can allow them to take their course. However, if we are to experience healing—even if it’s apart from reconciling with the other party—we must learn how to forgive without forgetting.
The process can be summarized into four non-linear steps:
1. Repeat: Start by repeating all of your thoughts and feelings to God. He already knows what’s going on, but sharing it with Him helps remind us that God deeply cares about us.
2. Release: Next, we must release any unhealthy feelings we may be wrestling with. Hated, bitterness, grudges, and anything else that prevent us from loving like Jesus.
3. Repair: We must also create space to repair. We must take proactive steps toward healing—praying regularly, finding comfort in God’s Word, spending time with others who exhibit the joy of the Lord, and keeping ourselves from falling back into painful places.
4. Redeem: As we work toward healing, we should direct our gaze forward, asking God how He would have us redeem what was broken. Pray for opportunities to walk with others who are going through something similar, look for open doors to seek reconciliation with your own family, and continue to live in light of God’s call on your life.
The reason these steps are called non-linear is to provide the grace necessary to adequately heal. We may have days we need to return to one of the four steps along the way. Don’t feel bad on these days—God is patient and wants to walk with you faithfully to the end.
Conflict can be confusing, painful, and altogether exhausting. But when we trust in God and walk with Him, He will bring healing and restoration through His strong hand.
