Boundaries are often viewed as ways to keep things or people out. But as much as they can be a means to keep unhealthy things out of our families, they can also be maximized to keep what is healthy safely in our family’s lives.
Knowing what kind of boundaries we can put up, how to use them, and when to put them up or take them down is a key part to a thriving family. Some of us may be tempted to put up too few, while others have reason to believe boundaries are the only way to preserve security. Rest assured that, with the proper tools and prepared mindset, you can find the balance that works best for your family.
The Dark Side of Boundaries
Boundaries aren’t a one-size-fits all conversation. There are several ways we can view boundaries and their purpose for keeping out and keeping in (and in some cases, providing for both).
Now, before worrying about what boundaries are necessary for your family, make sure that you’ve created something you want to build up. In other words, if you feel like your family isn’t settled on a solid foundation or is disunified in your values, go back to Chapters 1 & 2.
Boundaries will just as easily keep out what we need to bring in and keep in what needs to be let out if we’re not working from and toward intentional health. Once you feel that you have a good grasp on what you’re working toward when it comes to growing your family, boundaries can be used to supplement your efforts toward achieving it.
Walls That Surround Us
Some boundaries are meant to be hard lines of protection. We use walls when we find it best to create separation from people or things that may harm our families or work against living out our values (see Chapter 6 on toxic families for some examples).
Walls are created with the intention of being kept up for prolonged periods of time. It offers a safe space to heal and grow without fear of unhealthy things interfering. Walls are generally reserved for extreme cases of boundary needs.
Doors for Coming and Going
Sometimes the separation we create does not mean we are seeking zero contact with a certain person or certain people. Doors offer a boundary that can be opened up when you feel it is safe and appropriate to do so.
Just like the doors of a house, these boundaries require mutual respect to accomplish their purpose. The person on the outside must knock, and can only come in when invited. However, it is the responsibility of the person in the house to answer the door, whether or not we choose to let the person in.
If we repeatedly neglect to answer the door when someone knocks, we start to treat it like a wall. In these circumstances, the boundary may need to be reassessed. Doors allow us to control the type and frequency of contact, but should not be used in a situation that requires “no contact.”
Windows for Watching
If you have a relationship that is working somewhere between a wall and a door (for example, if you’re actively trying to restore a relationship that was broken), a window can be a great boundary to set. These boundaries allow us to share glimpses of our life with someone else, albeit most frequently in a passive setting. This can look like sending a Christmas card, allowing them to follow you on social media, or letting them do the same for you.
Windows allow us to share part of our lives before giving someone more intimate access to our lives. Windows are oftentimes the most temporary form of boundary as you work from removing walls to building doors.
Keep the Goal In Mind
Boundaries are a wonderful way to ensure your family is protected and able to develop healthy relationships with others. They allow you to connect with people in various ways, without having to choose between the extreme of all-access passes or slamming the gate shut.
Remember, boundaries need consistent upkeep, and benefit from regularly assessing whether or not they’re accomplishing the intended goal. As your family grows, make sure you’re using them to keep healthy things in as much as you’re keeping unhealthy things out.
