Every wife has influence in her marriage. The question is not whether your words, attitudes, and choices affect your husband, because they absolutely do. The question is how you will use that influence.
Biblical influence is not about controlling your husband, getting him to do what you want, or subtly manipulating him into becoming someone you prefer. It is about loving him in a way that encourages growth and creates space for God to work in his life.
You cannot change your husband. That work belongs to God. But you can choose to become a source of encouragement, emotional safety, and meaningful connection.
Encourage the Man God Is Growing Him to Be
Encouragement is one of the simplest and most powerful gifts you can give your husband. It is easy to notice what your spouse needs to improve and to identify his weaknesses more clearly than his strengths. But consistent encouragement can remind your husband of who he is and what God may be doing in his life.
The Bible says, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Hebrews 10:24). Look for specific opportunities to encourage your husband. Ask him what he has planned for the day. If he has a difficult meeting, responsibility, or conversation ahead, let him know you believe in him. Offer to pray with him before he leaves.
Then follow up. Ask how the meeting went or how he is feeling about something he was facing. Your interest communicates that his life matters to you.
Create Space for Honest Emotions
Many people enter adulthood with mixed messages about emotions. Some men have learned that expressing sadness, fear, disappointment, or uncertainty is a sign of weakness.
As his wife, you can help create a different environment.
That begins with examining how you respond when your husband shares something vulnerable. Do you immediately offer solutions? Do you criticize his feelings? Do you bring up his vulnerability later during an argument? Or do you listen?
“Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32).
You can model emotional honesty by sharing your own feelings in a healthy and responsible way. You can also ask simple questions that invite conversation: How did that make you feel? What has been weighing on you lately?
Do not pressure him to communicate exactly as you do. Instead, give him room to grow.
Sometimes a husband may need time to find the words for what he is experiencing. Patient listening can create the safety needed for deeper connection.
Encourage Meaningful Relationships
God created people for community, and your husband needs more than a strong relationship with you.
“The godly offer good advice; they teach right from wrong” (Psalm 37:30).
Healthy friendships can provide encouragement, accountability, wisdom, and support. Other godly men may understand experiences that your husband finds difficult to explain or process with you.
You can use your influence by encouraging connection without taking control. Perhaps you suggest inviting another couple to dinner because he seems to connect well with the other husband. Maybe you encourage him to join a men's Bible study, meet a friend for coffee, or reconnect with someone he has lost touch with.
You don't have to manage his social life, but you can recognize the meaningful relationships that matter to him and support his efforts to pursue them.
Influence Without Trying to Control
There is an important difference between influence and manipulation. Manipulation says, “I will behave a certain way so I can get the response I want from you.” Biblical influence says, “I will choose to love, serve, and communicate in a way that honors God, regardless of whether I can control the outcome.”
1 Peter offers this encouragement: “In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words” (1 Peter 3:1).
Your character speaks. The way you respond to disappointment, handle disagreement, offer forgiveness, and speak about your husband all shape the atmosphere of your marriage.
That does not mean you are responsible for his choices. You are not.
But you can ask yourself: Am I creating an environment where honesty, growth, and connection are possible? Am I showing up as the woman God is calling me to be?
Your greatest influence may not come through the perfect words or the right strategy. It may come through consistent love, genuine encouragement, and a life that reflects Christ.
You cannot control your husband's journey with God. But you can walk beside him with wisdom and grace, trusting that the Lord is at work in both of you.
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Erin Smalley serves as a strategic spokesperson for Focus on the Family’s marriage ministry. In this role, she develops content that prepares individuals for marriage, strengthens and nurtures existing marriages, and helps couples in marital crises.
Erin is also a licensed professional counselor with a private practice (Smalley Marriage), as well as an author and conference speaker. She has co-authored 12 books, including Reconnected, Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage and The Wholehearted Wife. She and her husband, Dr. Greg Smalley, co-created Ready to Wed, a complete premarital curriculum for engaged couples and The Focus on Marriage Assessment.
She also co-hosts the Focus on Marriage podcast and is a frequent guest on the “Focus on the Family With Jim Daly” broadcast as well as many other radio shows, including Live the Promise with Susie Larson.
She has been blessed as a biological and adoptive mom of four great children — Taylor, Murphy, Garrison and Annie.
